Self-doubt.

I made the most awesome pulled pork yesterday.  Seriously you guys, just amazing.  Also, I’m fairly sure that North Carolina barbecue might be the best.  It’s the vinegar, I think. 

So far, so good for my holiday plan.  I’m actually making myself eat 1500 calories a day, which sounds silly, I know.  In fact, yesterday after dinner I had to have a banana with two tablespoons of peanut butter (note: peanut butter and banana sandwich?  Best sandwich in existence), and then I still had to have eight Wheat Thins just to put me over.  I really don’t think I’m starving myself either.  I haven’t done this for a while, but here’s what I had to eat yesterday:

Breakfast: A Thomas’ Light Whole Wheat English Muffin, egg, Canadian bacon slice, and a slice of Kraft 2% milk American cheese.  Total: 238 calories, 9 grams fat, 8 grams fiber, 18 grams protein.

That keeps me fairly satisfied until lunch.

Lunch:  Salad (romaine lettuce, tomato, jalapeno, red pepper, mushrooms, red onion) and eight ounces of seasoned chicken breast.  Total: 352 calories, 6 grams fat, 7 grams fiber, 58 grams protein.

That kept me going through the end of the day and my workout after work.

Dinner: Seven ounces pulled pork shoulder, Near East Parmesan Couscous mix, steamed peas.  Total: 547 calories, 8 grams fat, 4 grams fiber, 49 grams protein.

So at this point, I’m at 1137 calories, and I’m not really hungry.  Still, I grab myself the aforementioned peanut butter and banana and Wheat Thins and ended up at a decent 1506 for the day.  It’s hard when I’m not really that hungry.  It’s the right move though.  I don’t really get hungry on a given day, but a streak of five or six 1200-calorie days in a row wears me down, even if I don’t turn into a ravenous beast. 

I feel like I’m getting to a point where things are starting to really normalize.   I don’t mean that I’m done losing weight.  Far from it; my weight loss seems to be holding up just fine.  But it’s all becoming routine, which is both good and bad.  I don’t dread the gym, I have no problem eating well, it’s just my new normal.  That’s a great thing.  I just don’t want to get complacent.  Yesterday was both a good workout and a bad one.  I burned plenty of calories, so in that sense it was good, but I feel like my effort just wasn’t what I wanted.  Not a big deal; not every day can be a winner, but the treadmill broke me a little bit.  I got on there fully planning to run the entire 5K loop, but after a mile I had to pull it back and walk/run the rest. 

There’s a few reasons.  First, I’m terrified of the damn treadmill.  My balance on there is getting better, but if I watch the TVs for more than 20 seconds or so I start drifting to one side or the other and I have to swerve back to the middle, which makes me look like an insane person.  Or at least very clumsy.  Second, I was blazing hot.  Shockingly, running outside in late November is different than running on a treadmill inside a gym.  It didn’t help that I was wearing long sleeves because I’m an idiot. 

I’ve got this voice in the back of my head the last couple of days that is trying to tell me there’s no way I can pull off another 5K.  I’m not sure where it comes from.  There’s no reason that I can’t do it.  I just did it four days ago.  But my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise.  I don’t usually encounter much self-doubt, so this is new for me.  I still think that I can do it, but earlier this week I knew I could.  Not crippling self-doubt or anything, but just that stupid voice.

In other news, I’m under 290 today for the first time in a long time.  Since I didn’t weigh myself from February of 2001 (state wrestling meet, 231 pounds) until I hit 440, basically all my numbers will be “first time in forever” until then.  So enjoy some more months of that.  The good news is that this clears the way for me to have my cheat day on my birthday.  Oh my god it’s going to be amazing.  I’m working on my menu for the day, mostly just from wild hairs I get for certain foods.  So far, I’ve got dinner worked out: Chinese buffet.  It’s the shittiest food and it’s going to be epic.  Steamed crab legs and chicken skewers for days at that place.  Also, I’m going to have a peanut butter and banana sandwich.  It’s going to be awesome.   What can I say?  I’m a man of simple tastes.