Goods not as advertised.

At what point did running become somewhat easy?  Three weeks ago, if you asked me if I could run a mile, I’d tell you that it’s like walking down a dark alley in a bad neighborhood at night: I’d probably survive, but it wouldn’t be a pretty thing to see and it’s best left avoided.  Somehow, in less than three weeks, I’ve run two separate 5Ks, I’ve run a 5K on the dreaded demon treadmill, and last weekend, a 4.3-mile run.  In under 10-minute pace, no less.  I still haven’t figured out this runner’s high thing.  Either it’s bullshit or I’m not yet crazy enough to run far enough to experience it.  But I can run for 42:38 straight so far, and it’s just getting easier.  That’s not to say I’ll be running the Holiday Half this weekend, but it’s a nice start.

So Monday was my birthday, and as I’d planned, I attempted to make a day of it.  After hitting the gym and running a (fairly easy) 33-minute 5K, I hit the Jack in the Box for what I remembered to be some delicious grub: a Supreme Breakfast Croissant, a chicken sandwich, and two tacos.  As I ate them, I noticed something a little disconcerting.  They just weren’t that good.  The results for the rest of the food I had that day were mixed.  Kettle Chips Sea Salt and Vinegar were exactly as good as I remembered (so damn good), fruit pies were decent but not good enough to waste 450 calories on, and Chinese buffet was similarly just OK. 

I’m finding that there are a lot of foods that I used to convince myself that I love that are just not very good.  It’s a bit of a scary thought, especially since I was the first to accuse people of lying when they claimed not to enjoy their old faves.  But it’s true.  I didn’t have any McDonald’s on Monday, surprisingly, but I can’t imagine I would love it.  I can make a better burger.  I bet I could make better Chinese pretty easily.  I make damn good food and I feel better after I eat it.  You know what eating 5000 calories does to you?  I know what it does to me.  It makes me sluggish, and irritable, and uncomfortable.  I don’t like feeling any of those ways. 

So as I mentioned, Sunday is the Holiday Half.  It’s going to be a walking event for sure, but the 22^nd is my first shot at upping my number.  The running club I’m in has an event planned for that day that involves running a 1.5-mile loop as many times as one can in 60 minutes.  I certainly want to run 4.5, but my goal is to push myself to finish six miles in that hour.  Can I do it?  I don’t know.  I’ve never run six miles before, and I’ve only run sub-10 minute pace once in my life.  But if I come to the start/finish line after my third lap and I’m on pace, you can bet I’ll have a go at it. 

It’s kind of strange to think that I’m slowly turning into a “runner”.  Even as I’ve begun running, I still don’t feel like a runner.  I know that there’s no set definition and if I run I’m a runner and all that stuff.  But I feel like there’s some disconnect between myself and the people that I identify as “runners.”  For some reason, I see runners as those who are consumed by running.  Is that true?  Do they hang out with the other runners talking about splits and wearing their very short shorts?  I only see them at running events, so maybe they have entire lives that I don’t know about and they are actual human beings and I’m an asshole for treating them like automatons.  Then I read my previous paragraph and realize it was all about split times, though not about very short shorts.  So be warned, I might be buying some very very short shorts soon.

Self-doubt.

I made the most awesome pulled pork yesterday.  Seriously you guys, just amazing.  Also, I’m fairly sure that North Carolina barbecue might be the best.  It’s the vinegar, I think. 

So far, so good for my holiday plan.  I’m actually making myself eat 1500 calories a day, which sounds silly, I know.  In fact, yesterday after dinner I had to have a banana with two tablespoons of peanut butter (note: peanut butter and banana sandwich?  Best sandwich in existence), and then I still had to have eight Wheat Thins just to put me over.  I really don’t think I’m starving myself either.  I haven’t done this for a while, but here’s what I had to eat yesterday:

Breakfast: A Thomas’ Light Whole Wheat English Muffin, egg, Canadian bacon slice, and a slice of Kraft 2% milk American cheese.  Total: 238 calories, 9 grams fat, 8 grams fiber, 18 grams protein.

That keeps me fairly satisfied until lunch.

Lunch:  Salad (romaine lettuce, tomato, jalapeno, red pepper, mushrooms, red onion) and eight ounces of seasoned chicken breast.  Total: 352 calories, 6 grams fat, 7 grams fiber, 58 grams protein.

That kept me going through the end of the day and my workout after work.

Dinner: Seven ounces pulled pork shoulder, Near East Parmesan Couscous mix, steamed peas.  Total: 547 calories, 8 grams fat, 4 grams fiber, 49 grams protein.

So at this point, I’m at 1137 calories, and I’m not really hungry.  Still, I grab myself the aforementioned peanut butter and banana and Wheat Thins and ended up at a decent 1506 for the day.  It’s hard when I’m not really that hungry.  It’s the right move though.  I don’t really get hungry on a given day, but a streak of five or six 1200-calorie days in a row wears me down, even if I don’t turn into a ravenous beast. 

I feel like I’m getting to a point where things are starting to really normalize.   I don’t mean that I’m done losing weight.  Far from it; my weight loss seems to be holding up just fine.  But it’s all becoming routine, which is both good and bad.  I don’t dread the gym, I have no problem eating well, it’s just my new normal.  That’s a great thing.  I just don’t want to get complacent.  Yesterday was both a good workout and a bad one.  I burned plenty of calories, so in that sense it was good, but I feel like my effort just wasn’t what I wanted.  Not a big deal; not every day can be a winner, but the treadmill broke me a little bit.  I got on there fully planning to run the entire 5K loop, but after a mile I had to pull it back and walk/run the rest. 

There’s a few reasons.  First, I’m terrified of the damn treadmill.  My balance on there is getting better, but if I watch the TVs for more than 20 seconds or so I start drifting to one side or the other and I have to swerve back to the middle, which makes me look like an insane person.  Or at least very clumsy.  Second, I was blazing hot.  Shockingly, running outside in late November is different than running on a treadmill inside a gym.  It didn’t help that I was wearing long sleeves because I’m an idiot. 

I’ve got this voice in the back of my head the last couple of days that is trying to tell me there’s no way I can pull off another 5K.  I’m not sure where it comes from.  There’s no reason that I can’t do it.  I just did it four days ago.  But my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise.  I don’t usually encounter much self-doubt, so this is new for me.  I still think that I can do it, but earlier this week I knew I could.  Not crippling self-doubt or anything, but just that stupid voice.

In other news, I’m under 290 today for the first time in a long time.  Since I didn’t weigh myself from February of 2001 (state wrestling meet, 231 pounds) until I hit 440, basically all my numbers will be “first time in forever” until then.  So enjoy some more months of that.  The good news is that this clears the way for me to have my cheat day on my birthday.  Oh my god it’s going to be amazing.  I’m working on my menu for the day, mostly just from wild hairs I get for certain foods.  So far, I’ve got dinner worked out: Chinese buffet.  It’s the shittiest food and it’s going to be epic.  Steamed crab legs and chicken skewers for days at that place.  Also, I’m going to have a peanut butter and banana sandwich.  It’s going to be awesome.   What can I say?  I’m a man of simple tastes.

I can run.

I think it’s good to plan ahead for things when you’re trying to lose weight.  Holidays aren’t a huge trigger for me, but I do love me some baked goods.  So I might as well have some semblance of a plan, even if I don’t carry a one-sheet around with me everywhere.

My holiday plan?  Do what I’ve been doing.  I have a cheat day planned for my birthday, and that will be awesome…for one day.  Then it’s back on.  I’ve been taking it a little easy the last week because I was going a little off the deep end (1200-1400 calories per day, 60-100 minutes of working out every day without rest days) and I feel refreshed.  I’ve been shortening my workouts and took a couple of rest days, and I’ve been eating between 1700-2000 calories each day.  Today is the start of another push though, but I’m just reminding myself to keep it under control.  My goal is to make myself eat a minimum of 1500 calories each day and have at least one rest day per week.  Will my weight loss slow a little?  Maybe.  But I figure it’s worth it to make sure that I continue losing and avoid burnout.

In other news, I was at the Hot Buttered Run on Sunday.  The Hot Buttered Run was my first ever 5K last year, and this is me running for the camera, struggling to a 45:25, probably around 385 pounds at the time:

And here's me running at the finish of this year's Hot Buttered Run, just because:

Last year, I was at a 45:25, finishing 420^th out of 570 runners.  This year, I actually ran the entire thing.  I finished in 32:20, 306^th out of 873 runners.  The time is really immaterial, though.  I ran, without stopping, for five kilometers.  I’m not entirely certain, but I’m almost sure that I’ve never run farther than a mile in my entire life before Sunday morning.  I’ve heard that the leap to running for distance is really that, a leap.  I haven’t actually been running for the last few months at all.  I’ve been dealing with knee tendinitis, probably caused by dropping over 300 pounds on my knee for years.

Sunday wasn’t really supposed to be any different.  I know I’m in better shape than I’ve been in almost my entire life.  I’ve been walking, sure, but I’ve been walking for distance, or walking for speed, or when I’m at the gym, ramping up the incline.  But the plan was to jog for a bit, wait for my knee to hurt and my lungs to have enough, and then settle in to a quick walk until the end.  I was shooting for a sub-40 5K, basically.

So when the race started, I settled into a decently-paced jog.  I actually had a goal for this.  During my first Hot Buttered Run, I made myself jog for about the first half-mile, probably my competitive streak kicking in.  The goal was to run at least past that point, since come on, I can run that far.  So I’m jogging, and I hit that walking spot and I feel like I’m in good shape.  I’m feeling fairly comfortable, actually, and not much out of breath at all.

Around the three-quarter-mile point is a footbridge with a decent incline to get to it.  I also know that just past the footbridge is the one-mile marker.  I figure I’ll push my way up the bridge and the downhill should be plenty of time to get my breath back and at least make the mile.  Maybe I can beat my old time of 11:20 back in August.  I get to the one-mile mark and check my time: 10:43.  Sweet – I not only beat my old time, but I’m feeling pretty good still.  So I decide to push it a little further.  There’s an extended hill coming up that goes under the I-5 bridge and up to Esther Short Park.  At this point, I’m still not thinking that I can finish the race.  My thinking is that I want to make it up that hill.  I keep thinking that it’s going to get to be too much.  But I keep climbing the hill and while it’s more difficult than flat ground, by no means am I feeling like I can’t go. 

At this point, I start thinking to myself that maybe I can actually do this.  By the time I hit the two-mile mark, I figured I had to do it.  I mean, quitting at 2 ½ miles would just be awful, right?  So I finished.  I suppose the end of that story is a bit anticlimactic.  But while I was tired, and still sore today, I feel great.  Spinning tonight is going to SUUUUUUUCK, but I’ll be back at it this Saturday.  I have a run in Ridgefield Saturday morning and I intend to run the whole thing. 

I don’t think I’m to the point yet where I’m going to start shooting for any certain time, but I’ve got some goals in mind.  I want to run a 5K under 30 minutes.  I want to run a 10K.  And I want to run a mile faster than I could in high school.  My best time in high school was a 6:06.  I think I could probably do an 8:30 or so mile now. I don’t think I’m ever going to be running a sub-20 5K or anything, but here’s a horrible secret:  I actually kind of liked running.  In the last few months, I haven’t really been doing workouts that challenge me mentally. 

I’m hoping that this is the kind of thing I need to snap me out of the rut I’ve been in, since the rut has been almost entirely mental.  My workouts have been good, my eating has been good, but I just haven’t been feeling it lately.  My most rewarding workouts are the ones where I have to fight through when I really want to quit.  Running does that for me.  So maybe I will set a goal for this weekend.  I don’t know that sub-30 is something I can do yet, but I can beat 32:20.  I may not be a runner, but I can run. 

Six months.

Today is officially six months of the “new me” if you want to say it all weird.  I suppose it’s a good time to reflect a little and see what’s changed.

When I started, I weighed in at 403 pounds.  Today, I weighed in at 295 pounds.

When I started, I was stretching out size 52 pants and shirts anywhere from 4XL to 5XL.  Today I’m wearing 42 jeans, a 2XL shirt and sweater, and they fit me comfortably.

When I started, I’d had facial hair constantly since May of 2003, because of the dreaded “fat face”.  Now, my face is clean shaven and fat face has been banished.

When I started, I shopped for clothes at two stores: Casual Male and Burlington Coat Factory.  Oh wait, Walmart had size 4XL Fruit of the Loom t-shirts that I could stretch to fit my body.  Today, I’m wearing nothing from those stores but my socks.  In fact, as I’ve stated before, I’m kind of an Old Navy addict, like any good 15-year-old girl.  My Jockeys are also an XL instead of an XXL, and they aren’t coming apart at the seams from stress.  Imagine that.

When I started, I could walk three miles, but it was a pain in the ass.  Today, I’m planning two 5Ks on Thanksgiving, and walking a mile to and from the last one.  I walked six miles on Sunday and had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t slacking and this did indeed count as a workout.

You get the point.  Things are much better, I’m much healthier and I’m now bringing the sexy.  There aren’t many downsides to this.  There are some things that straddle the line though.  When I don’t work out, I feel anxious.  Antsy.  Not so much guilty, but I feel like I really should be doing something.  I have a hard time giving myself a rest day and sitting in front of the TV.  When I’ve worked out, I think I have every right to sit there watching Baggage with Jerry Springer.  So I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing that I feel that way. 

Also, I’m still learning to adjust to being a normal person, which is strange because when I was super-fat, a lot of time was spent trying to blend in.  Now, I want to stand out (hence the new love of fancy clothes), but it clashes with my instincts to blend in.  So I have, as I’ve said before, a desire to be noticed, but a distinct aversion to my weight loss being recognized.  Recognition of any kind for my weight has never been in a positive light.  When you’re 400 pounds and someone notices your weight, it’s never for a good reason.  Now, people legitimately don’t realize I’m the same person at first, and then that’s what they want to talk about. 

The strange thing is, I’m fine with all of this online, and I truly appreciate the people that have said that I’ve inspired them or someone they love to get healthier.  I’ve actually been seriously considering the option of looking at careers  in helping people lose weight once I’ve made it to goal (by the way, if anyone knows how this can be done, drop me a line).  I’m still adjusting to having to talk about it in real time, with a real person.

Now, some things that I have gotten over.  I’m over the vanity of caring how many people check out the blog.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everyone that takes the time to read it, and it’s an outlet regardless of whether anyone reads it, but it’s a little hit to the ego to see the numbers dwindle from 50-60 to the 15-20 regular readers I have now.  In the end though, it doesn’t matter at all who reads it, if anyone.  Again, I’m happy for every reader, but it doesn’t validate my writing.  I write because there’s something to say.  Usually, I don’t know what that is when I start writing, and then before I know it I’m 1000 words in and I’m sure I’m past the point where most people are still reading.

I’m also done worrying about my finishing weight.  My goal weight is set at 199.6 because that’s the high point of the normal BMI range, but the BMI is largely bullshit anyway.  Could I get there?  Sure, it’s possible, but it doesn’t really matter if I do.  As long as I’m doing the right things and I’m making progress toward a healthier life, whether the BMI thinks I’m A-OK isn’t all that important. Maybe I’ll end up at 225 pounds; maybe I’ll end up at 185.

Finally, another thing that I’m doing that I haven’t done in far too long: looking for a primary care physician.  I can’t remember the last time I had one. Luckily, I’ve been in good health, even when living a healthy lifestyle, but now that the spectre of a coarse talking-to by the doctor isn’t hanging over it anymore, I really should get in for a physical, have all my fluids topped off, etc.

The downside to this is I actually have a reason to go to the doctor.  My wrist has been killing me the last two days and I’m not sure what I’ve done with it.  Carpal tunnel is something I’m worried about, but the sudden onset and lack of tingling or numbness has me doubting it.  Hopefully, it’s nothing major.  I have a wall to climb next September and I need to get my strength up.  That’s it!

Hipster doofus.

I think that for every person who loses a significant amount of weight, there comes a time when you see the first dividends that really mean something.  For me, I think that time came this weekend in the form of Old Navy. 

Now I’ve always given Old Navy kind of a bad rap, and I think that it’s because it really was entirely useless to me up until a couple of weeks ago.    I couldn’t wear any of their clothes, and trust me, having to go into a store where literally nothing is of any use to you really sucks.  But a couple of weeks ago, I found that I fit into a pair of 42-inch jeans.  Not only that, they cost $22!  Were you aware, dear reader, that there are places you can buy jeans for $22?  If so, then you likely inhabit the world of the normal-sized.  At the time, though, I tried on some shirts and it just wasn’t happening, so I took the small victory of cheap pants and was on my way.

This weekend, I returned with a vengeance.  I not only found several shirts, a couple of sweaters, and an awesome wool coat, and somehow spent less than $100.  What is happening?!  I’ve discovered a couple of things about myself:  One, I really like dressing nicely.  Two, I’m a little bit of a hipster.  Wool coats?  V-neck sweaters?  However, I think I’ll be all right, so long as I keep the V-necks shallow, and always ALWAYS wear a shirt underneath.  Also, I have to keep the beard off now, but that’s fine.  I happen to think I look much better without it.

I’ve spent much of my life dressing like a slob.  This wasn’t entirely intentional; I also spent much of my life having my wardrobe determined by what fit me.  Check that, by what covered me.  At 440 pounds, there’s really not a lot that “fits” in the traditional sense of the word.  I’ve spent almost no time looking sharp, and now I want to make up for that.  Not only that, I’ve only scratched the surface.  Old Navy is relatively welcoming to larger people.  I’m 301 pounds.  When I’m small enough to shop at places like the Gap?  I would absolutely love for my identifier to go from being “the fat guy” to being “the well-dressed guy”.  And it’s only going to get easier.

I suppose I should do some reflecting this week.  I’m very likely to get under 300 pounds in the next few days and it really is a huge milestone.  So what do I know about myself now?  Well first, one of the most notable things anyone has said to me is that I look “like a normal-sized person” now.  It’s true; there are plenty of men walking around at 6’3” and in the neighborhood of 300 pounds.  It’s overweight, to be sure, but when I was 440 pounds, it wouldn’t matter what I did, people saw that big fat guy.  Really, I wouldn’t mind being skinny some day, but being normal is a huge deal.

Another thing that I’ve noticed is that, despite writing a blog about losing weight, I really don’t like talking about it to people face-to-face.  People that haven’t seen me in a while don’t recognize me, and they ask me what’s changed.  Without fail, I say the beard or the glasses.  Why is that?  If I had gained 100 pounds, that would be reasonable to leave out, but having lost it is a good thing. 

In many ways, I don’t consider myself to have done anything particularly impressive.  I eat right and I exercise; millions of people do that in this country every single day.  Lots of them have eaten right and exercised for their whole lives, and they’ve always been fit.  I’m extremely happy that I’ve been able to stick with what’s right to do and that I’ve seen the fruits of that labor, but in reality, I’m like a deadbeat dad that’s strung together six straight full child-support payments.  It’s doing the right thing, but it wouldn’t take long to go back.

And going back to the previous point, I really like dressing well.  I’m going to throw in another plug for Old Navy here (even though my attempts at becoming a Tapatio endorser have gone nowhere).  They have really good clothes for dirt cheap.  Have you ever been to a big and tall store?  It’s awful.  Everything is ridiculously expensive – if you want a band t-shirt as a regular person, you pay $18 at Hot Topic, but us fatties spend $38.  Nothing is what you would call stylish.  It’s either two years out of style, or infinity, because it was always goddamn hideous.  I spent $65 for a sweater once.  I spent $13 for one at Old Navy.  Fuck you, Casual Male.  My visage shall never darken your doorway again!

So hopefully tomorrow will be the day that I leave the ranks of the three-billers once and for all.  The next completely esoteric milestone for me will be 275 pounds.  This isn’t an important number because it’s 25 less; it’s an important number because when I was in high school, I wrestled in the 275-pound weight class (albeit while weighing 225-230 pounds at the time) and for some reason, being light enough to qualify is a weirdly big deal.

For now, I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing.  I’ll eat right, work out like a motherfucker, and the next time you see me, don’t be surprised if I’m wearing something better than you’re used to.  After all, as ZZ Top says, every girl’s crazy about a sharp-dressed man.  (Hey, new karaoke idea!)

The libertarian diet.

Someone asked me how I stay motivated and keep going.  I think it’s a good question, especially a couple of weeks ago when my weight has been stubbornly refusing to go down.  And the answer is partially that I just don’t know.  Why is weight loss working for me this time when it’s failed so many times before? 

I’m one tiny pound away from 100, and I have no real idea what’s making me succeed this time.  Maybe it’s the ego boost when people notice?  I don’t think so; I got plenty of compliments a few years ago when I lost 42 pounds on Weight Watchers, and I quit that just as surely as the rest.  So what’s different this time? 

Really, I think that I’ve finally found a plan that works for me.  And it’s precisely because it’s NOT easy.  It’s simple, and I try to make things as convenient as possible for myself, but my motto has become “simple, not easy”. I’ve been working my ass off for the last few weeks and what do you know?  It worked!  From Wednesday of last week to Wednesday of this week, I lost 10.4 pounds.  There are other factors at play here, of course.  I was eating an insane amount of sodium (damn you, delicious lunch meat!), and I was only losing about a pound a week when by my calorie differential, I should have been losing four to four and a half.  So in a way, I was just catching up. 

I really fought through this plateau, though.  I’ve been working out like mad, at least five times a week, and I’ve been working HARD.  I found a full-body weight routine that I do three times a week – on machines, unfortunately, but not relying on a spotter allows me to pound out a workout, keep my heart rate high and work up one hell of a sweat.  I follow up lifting with at least 30 minutes of cardio.  My knee is a piece of shit, so I haven’t run in months now, but I ramp up the incline on the treadmill and away I go.  Non-lifting days are cardio for at least an hour.  I’m doing Spinning now, which is an awesome workout, if a little rough on the backside.  I miss my outdoor walks, but with the weather being absolutely atrocious, I’m stuck on the inside.

So back to what’s working…this is the first time that I’ve really taken it upon myself to lose weight, and not placed my faith in some system.  I tried Atkins.  It was the best thing ever for about two weeks, then bread started calling my name.  I tried Weight Watchers, as previously mentioned.  I spent as much time trying to game the system as I did anything else.  I’ve tried a hundred things, and the only thread I’ve seen throughout is that they all market themselves as an easy way to lose weight, or at least an easy one.  This is not a knock on Weight Watchers.  Weight Watchers does amazing things for the people that use it, and more importantly, have the personality for it.

People spend so much time trying to figure out what diet (and I use the term diet as “eating lifestyle”, not “temporary method for losing weight”) works best for them, but no one seems to focus on what’s best for their personality. 

Alcoholics Anonymous has a long-term success rate of somewhere around 5%.  Weight Watchers probably has a success rate in the same ballpark.  These numbers aren’t indictments of either organization, just that neither is right for everyone, or even most people.  You just have to find what works for you.

Now, as to why my particular way works for me, I’m going back to things not being easy.  I think I finally figured out that I would only lose weight if I put in the work.  Eating burgers and bacon and not eating bread wasn’t going to magically make me thin.  Eating a certain number of points wasn’t going to make me slim down (especially when I was gaming the system).  What will make me lose weight is eating right, KNOWING what I eat, and working out, and more importantly, doing them even when I don’t want to.  The only person that’s going to be able to make this happen is me, so I need to not only avoid temptation, but be able to live with it right up in my grill.  It’s like the libertarian diet. 

Of course, it also needs to be a diet that I can live with.  You know, forever, or at least until I die.  So there are some things that just aren’t going to work for me.  Like “clean eating.”  There are plenty of people I know that avoid eating anything processed, would never consider fast food, and think that natural food is all the bees’ knees.  If it works for them, great, but you know what’s delicious?  Egg McMuffins.  I’m going to make an attempt to get ingredients to make my own, like whole wheat English muffins and nitrate-free Canadian bacon, and maybe I can cut out the Egg McMuffins.  But boxed couscous mix cooks up deliciously too.  And I like Cool Whip, and Jack in the Box tacos, and (horror of horrors) Hamburger Helper.  I haven’t had most of those for months, but I eat Egg McMuffins all the damn time.  And especially once I get to my maintenance weight and have more calories to play with each day, I’ll probably add those other chemical cesspools (debatable) back into my diet too. 

And that’s just fine with me.  I’ve received some grief about it, and I respect people who want to convince others to eat better, more real things.  But I can either live at a healthy weight that I can maintain with the occasional carcinogen thrown in (again, debatable), or I can try to be perfect and end up saying “Fuck it, I want a tub of frosting,” and go back to the fatass that I used to be.  Success comes in a lot of packages, and mine might just sometimes come in a cardboard box on the pasta aisle.

Tell me what to do!

Yesterday was a rough eating day.  For some reason, I just did not want a healthy meal.  Now, I know that this is a lifestyle change, and it’s going to require eating normally for, you know, ever.  But part of eating normally is digging into a burger and fries or a really unhealthy pizza and, yes, eating more than is a healthy amount for one person. 

I’ve built myself into a mini-complex lately, mostly because I have these numbers that I want to hit in a certain amount of time.  I really, really want to be under 300 by my birthday on December 10^th.  That’s 45 days to lose 12 pounds.  That should be attainable; I haven’t lost less than 15.4 pounds in any 45-day period since May 20^th (yes, I have a spreadsheet; yes, it’s very detailed; yes, I’m a nerd).  But in the last twelve days, I’ve lost zero weight.  In fact, I’ve actually gained 0.2 pounds. 

This is not a big deal.  But then, neither is getting below 300 by my birthday.  But in a way, it is.  At least, the latter is.  I’ve spent every single day of my 20s at over 300 pounds.  First, I don’t want that to be the case when my 20s end.  Second, I want to spend every day of my 30s at less than 300 pounds.  I know it’s completely arbitrary, and that if I don’t get there by December 10^th, I’ll probably get there by December 20^th.  But as someone that doesn’t often put stock in arbitrary dates and numbers, this is surprisingly important.

That being said, at some point in the future, I’m taking myself a big fat cheat day.  It’s going to be marvelous.  I’ve set that date for when I get under 290 pounds.  I’m not going to take the chance that I’ll bounce back up over 300, especially if I do get there before my birthday.  There’s no chance I could eat the food necessary to gain that much in real weight, but with salt and natural fluctuations in body weight, I want to give myself a wide berth (get it?  WIDE BERTH!) between myself and 300. 

Other than that, things are going pretty well.  I’ve rededicated myself to exercise and my strength training is in full gear.  I do have another mini-complex around exercise, though.  When I’m in a place where I’m working out 5-6 times a week, I get a guilt complex when I skip a workout.  I didn’t work out yesterday.  I probably should have, but I’m having guests over on Saturday so I was cleaning, and I got sidetracked going through my wardrobe and throwing all my too-big clothes into the Goodwill pile, which leads me to believe that I was also giving myself a bit of an ego boost.  So there were things that needed to be done and things that I just wanted to do and I ended up not working out.  I have plans tonight, though, and it’s highly unlikely that I’ll get a workout in.  Since I knew this already, I felt a nasty twinge of guilt about missing a workout when I didn’t really “need” to.  The good news is I’m going to be exercising into the foreseeable future.

Finally, I constantly feel like I’m running out of things to blog about. My updates have become fairly few and far between.  So I thought I’d see if my readers have anything they’d like me to write about or questions that they’d like to ask.  No topic’s off-limits and I’ll answer anyone’s question.  Text, Twitter, Facebook, comment on here, any way you’d like to ask.  I want more reasons to come on here and talk about what’s going on.  Just don’t describe weight loss as a “journey”!

Winning and losing. And gaining.

Sunday: 311.6 pounds

Monday: 314.2 pounds

Tuesday: 315.0 pounds

Wednesday: 316.8 pounds

Thursday: 317.4 pounds

Not cool, body.  Not cool.  It’s certainly frustrating.  I’ve had periods where I’ve gained a good amount of weight in a short time, but they’ve always coincided with a period of bad eating or inactivity, neither of which is a problem for me.  I had a great, ass-kicking spin class on Tuesday, and yesterday was my first real, honest-to-Sagan strength training workout in a very long time.  I’ve done some strength-type stuff, but I really pushed up some weights for the first time.  Yet, for the fourth straight day, the numbers are going in the wrong direction.  As I said, frustrating.

It’s not all bad though.  In fact, there’s a definite silver lining to gaining weight, at least in the short term, even when I’m eating right and exercising.  I need to separate the number on the scale from my feelings of success.  Yes, losing weight is good and I’m really, really excited to lose it.  But I also need to be happy about bettering myself, making myself healthier and stronger, without that feedback.  I need to be happy about getting healthy because I’m getting healthy, not because the number on the scale is smaller. 

In other news, I made some drastic changes to my appearance last week.  Thursday, I had Lasik, so I’m without glasses or contacts for the first time since I was in seventh grade.  It takes some getting used to; I’ve only had glasses for a couple of years, but they’ve become a part of my look, as it were.  I also shaved on Saturday.  My entire face.  This is, to quote Joe Biden, a big fucking deal.  I’ve had some sort of facial hair at all times since May of 2003.  It was not pretty.  I had some pretty serious Fat Face going on, and that’s the main reason I never shaved it clean again.  I shaved my beard really short at Thanksgiving last year and the Fat Face reared its ugly head again!  So I’ve been terrified of it.  But now that I’m only Very Fat and not Ridiculously Fat, I figured it was worth a shot.  After all, despite my Fat Face issues, I have never had a Chris Christie-like visage. 

Lo and behold, I look pretty good without a beard!  So much so that I’m planning to keep it this way, at least for the time being.  Other than that, things are holding pretty steady.  I’m still eating well, still exercising.  Really I’m just holding the line, waiting for my body to release this weight.  I appreciate the support and I’m glad to answer questions and I’m glad to know that I’m inspiring people.  So just got to keep on keeping on.

But before I go, I figured a quick before and after would help the morale:

Before:

Now:

Clichés.

It’s getting harder to think of things to write about.  What do I write about when things are going well and there’s no horrible temptation or depression or negativity to talk about?

One of the things I do like to do with this blog is to counteract all the clichés that surround weight loss.  And they come from everywhere.  There’s the fat people saying “fat people don’t eat any more than skinny people”.  Now, this may be true for some, but if that’s a hard-and-fast rule, then it’s shocking how many fat people lose weight when they eat right and exercise.  Could it be that maybe they do eat more?  Or perhaps they’re burning less than active, healthy people.  You know why I gained weight?  I was a lazy fatass that ate too much all the damn time.  Not only that, I ate too much of the worst food there was. 

I also know from experience that a lot of fat people cut calories by starving themselves.  I’ve seen many a fat person sitting down to a lunch of a handful of bagged iceberg lettuce mix, throwing a little bit of dressing on and calling it a meal.  You know what I had for lunch today?  Two wraps packed to the brim with grilled spiced chicken, sautéed peppers and onions (with no fat but oil spray), hummus and feta.  Which one of us is more likely to binge?  Oh, and binge many will.  Binging is a secret of a great number of fat people.  When you skip breakfast, eat a salad for lunch – check that, eat some nutritionless iceberg and a tablespoon of dressing for lunch – and then head home for dinner, your body is sending urgent signals to find food, a lot of food, and fast.

So you find ways to get the food your body is demanding.  If you live by yourself, maybe it means grabbing a bag of chips and one of those giant sandwiches from Safeway on the way home.  By the way, those sandwiches blow and it doesn’t matter a bit.  Safeway is selling those things on nothing but evening work meetings and fat people.  Do you live with someone who’s making dinner?  It might even be a delicious and healthy meal.  No matter, your body needs food.  Time to stop by the McDonald’s (drive-thru, of course) on the way home, get an extra value meal and eat it on the way home, then pop a mint and sit down to a normal-sized plate of dinner.  Hell, since you’ve already eaten an entire meal, you might even stop before your plate is finished.  That’s a nice little ego boost, except most people possess the ability to feel shame. 

I’m not saying this as a way of shaming fat people.  But it is a shameful act, eating a meal while on the way to eat a meal.  So predictably, the weight goes up.  Not only that, you’ve expanded your stomach and increased your body’s calorie needs going forward, and you’ve done this without gaining any knowledge on the proper way to fuel your body, so you’re set up for another binge. 

Then there are the people that remain skinny “no matter what”.  These are the people that “don’t exercise, eat like shit, and stay skinny”.  The small problem with that is that it’s complete bullshit.  Look, it’s simple science.  Your body requires a certain number of calories to function and perform all the activities you do during the day, from sitting at the computer to running a marathon.  If you eat more calories than that number, you gain weight.  If you eat less calories than that number, you lose weight. 

So the skinny person you see eating a lunch with twice the calories of yours?  Maybe that person was up at 4:30 in the morning running six miles.  The guy you know that never works out, sits around watching TV and stays slim?  Maybe he’s so wrapped up in the TV that he forgets lunch and eats 1500 calories a day.  The guy at the party who eats and drinks everything but doesn’t gain an ounce?  When’s the last time you saw him that wasn’t at a party?  Maybe he lets loose because he eats right.  You know, when he’s not at parties.  There are variations in everyone’s metabolism but what contributes to healthy weight is the calories you eat compared to the calories you expend.  That simple.

The last bullshit cliché I’ll address today is the one that people use when they’re selling something to fat people.  “Eat more and you’ll lose weight!”  “Lose weight without feeling hungry!”  “Lose weight the easy way!” There are a few problems with this.  First, everyone seems to use “simple” with “easy” interchangeably.  Like I said before, losing weight is simple, but it definitely is not easy.  Losing weight by eating more is also disingenuous.  Something has to give when you want to lose weight.  You may eat more in the amount of food or in the number of times you eat per day, but you still have to either eat fewer calories or burn more calories.  You can’t cheat science.  Only God gets to do that.

And in reality, if you go from eating 4000 calories a day to eating 2000, you will get hungry.  This seems to escape everyone’s notice.  Do I get hungry?  Of course.  I do my best to avoid getting TOO hungry, since that’s what leads to binges.  But a whole lot of us fat people don’t really know what it means to be hungry.  Even now, at this very moment, I feel a hunger pang as my body is starting to digest my delicious lunch.  There’s no way my body needs food.  But the signals have gotten so crossed over the last 20 years that my body is telling me as I type this that I’m hungry. 

That’s the problem with sugarcoating weight loss for fat people.  One cliché about fat people that is true is that fat people are not lazier than the average person.  It’s true that many fat people don’t like working out and I know I’ve avoided it in the past.  That’s not lazy, that’s human.  Look at it this way: Let’s say you’re a terrible speller.  Not only are you a terrible speller, but you’ve been made fun of and discouraged from trying to improve your entire life.  Now you’re at work and you’re having a planning meeting, and the boss asks if anyone would like to come up to the whiteboard and write down the ideas that people have.  What are the odds that you volunteer for that? 

Now imagine being fat.  Not only are your fat, but when you try to work out, you have to deal with looks and giggles and people whispering to one another.  You’re with a group of friends and you all decide to go to a bar that’s about a mile away.  One of your friends has the idea to walk, since it’s not that far away.  Not only is this farther than you are used to walking, you know that once you get there, you’re going to be sweaty, a situation that will only be exacerbated by going into the hot bar.  So you try to convince your friends to drive, which makes you look lazy.

Fat people can work hard, and can lose weight.  Lots of people have done it.  It’s not laziness that stops us.  It’s being told that it’s easy only to find out that it’s hard.  If everyone around you tells you something is easy and then it’s not easy, you start suspecting that the problem is you.  So we need a complete change in tactics.  Losing weight is not easy.  Eating the fats and sugars our bodies were made to crave is a lot easier than eating right and exercising.  Fat people can accept this; we’re not weak and we’re not stupid.  Give us the tools we need to succeed.  Tell us about tracking our food, about exercising.  Tell us that walking is healthy without telling us that we can get by on 20 minutes, three times a week.  Tell us about protein and fat and fiber and how they make things delicious and filling.

Don’t tell us that it’s going to be easy, or that eating right will suddenly make the good food into our favorite foods.  Don’t treat fat people like children.  They have the ability to surprise you.

However, if you find yourself on a crowded elevator next to a fat person, I can’t argue with farting and allowing people to blame it on the fat guy.  That’s just good common sense.  

That's how it's done, son.

My body is weird. 

Today I lost 4.6 pounds.  Tomorrow I’m sure to gain some of it back, but for today, I’m over 80 and I’ll take it!  It’s like my body just holds and holds weight and then lets it go all at once.  

Also, today I want to talk about things that are not great about losing weight quickly.  The first one is clothes.  Today I’m wearing a shirt that was too small when I bought it.  Come to think of it, a lot of my clothes were purchased when they were too small for me.  I guess I’ve always been an optimist.  However, this shirt is enormous, I was just enormouser at the time, but now since I’m merely quite large, I’m swimming in this thing.  Not only is this just weird to wear, it makes me look worse when I wear it.  I think I own two shirts at this point that actually fit me, and I must say, I look excellent in them.

So I should probably make another run to the Burlington Coat Factory this weekend and see what else I can find.  Now I’m wondering at what point I’ll be ready to shop in actual stores.  However, having been too fat for real stores my entire adult life, I have questions for people who shop in those places.  For one, where do real people shop for clothes?  One thing I know I want once I can fit into it is a Powell’s Books t-shirt, but I’m fairly sure I can’t do all my clothes shopping at Powell’s (or can I?)  One of the few perks of being a fatty is that shopping, while a horribly frustrating experience, has always been relatively simple:  I have my one or two stores that carry things I don’t hate, and I find what fits me that’s not awful.  Now that I have to start thinking about finding clothes that I actually like and that look good on me, it’s a bit overwhelming.

What clothes actually look good on me?  I have clothes that I think look all right, and I’m pretty good at avoiding looking terrible, but I have a feeling that a whole mess of options out there (or I will soon at least) that really look good.  Or maybe I’ll just make the clothes look better than I did. 

OK, enough of that.  I’ve had some people ask me: How have I done it?  I personally find the question fascinating, and I think people find major weight loss fascinating in general because there’s rarely a good answer to why it works.  I’d wager that somewhere between 100% and 100% of people that have lost weight have tried and failed in the past.  It’s hard!  Not only that, it’s really easy to slip back into bad habits.  Why?  Working out is hard, eating unhealthy food is easy, and people are generally nice and won’t tell you when you’re slipping.   So when people suddenly succeed in losing weight and keeping it off, I find it utterly mind-blowing.  But now that I’m on my way to becoming one of those people, and I’ve had more than a couple people ask me how, I want to give a good answer that’s not just made up of clichés and platitudes.

So here goes:  Losing weight isn’t easy.  However, it is simple.  Let me explain.  The numbers behind weight loss are easy to calculate (even easier with smartphone apps) and generally pretty static.  It’s not hard to know what to do to lose weight.  But it’s a lot more difficult to actually make those changes, especially if you don’t know what’s healthy and what isn’t.  It’s not hard to keep your daily calories at 1800; most of us can do math, or at least have a calculator. But what do you need to eat to make those calories count?  How can you eat 1800 calories in a way that you’re not miserable?  If you’re miserable, you’re going to fail.

First thing on my list:  Track EVERYTHING.  No bullshit; everything.  On some days, when you’re doing well, you may have no problem keeping your calories down without tracking.  But when it’s 8:30, and you’ve had a long day and what you’ve eaten just hasn’t been enough?  If you think to yourself, “It’s ok, my brain’s got this,” you might look at what you’ve eaten and think, “That feels like 1500 calories or so” and reach for something that’s going to bite you in the ass later.  If you’ve tracked your calories and you know for a fact that you’re at 1826 calories, then suddenly a few slices of cucumber and a couple tablespoons of hummus (70 calories, plus 5-8 for the cucumber) seems a lot more palatable. 

Speaking of hummus:  eat it.  Eat the shit out of hummus.  It’s delicious, it can go on just about anything savory, it’s low in calories but has healthy fats, plus fiber and protein.  Basically, I focus on three things: What is the most fat, fiber and protein I can get for the least calories?  Go to the tortilla aisle sometime. Ah, Mission Brand Multi-Grain Wraps!  Sounds delicious, and healthy.  I could wrap that around some eggs, maybe throw on a little cheddar and there’s a healthy breakfast!

Here’s the nutrition info for one wrap :

1 tortilla

210 calories

6g fat

33g carbs

7g fiber

6g protein

Not terrible, but throw on two eggs and a quarter-cup of cheddar cheese, and you’ve blown through 460 calories just at breakfast.  That being said, you throw some salsa in there, maybe some spinach and Tapatio (always welcome in my house) and you’ve got a decent breakfast that may be a little high-calorie, but still comes in at 500 calories and should be doable if you budget accordingly the rest of the day.  Still, take a look at the nutrition facts for La Tortilla Factory Smart & Delicious Large Size Tortillas:

80 calories

3g fat

18g carbs

12g fiber

8g protein

5 grams more fiber, two grams more protein, and for 130 less calories?  Try that with just one eggs, two tablespoons of hummus (I recommend Sabra Roasted Red Pepper) and two tablespoons of feta and you have a delicious breakfast for 265 calories that packs a bunch of fiber, protein and good tasty fat to keep you satisfied.

OK, so that was a long way to go to point out one example, but it’s true, check everything you buy and track everything you eat.  Next is exercise.  I’m the kind of person that gets really into this and I start working out 5-6 times a week, which isn’t always possible for people with busy schedules (it’s not always possible for me).  Now, I could say that working out is easy, or you can just go for a walk three times a week for 20 minutes and watch the pounds melt away!  Not so easy.  You have to get out and exercise.  Walking is wonderful and not to be discouraged, but push yourself.  Have you ever walked four miles?  No?  Go do it.  Today.  Find a path, map it on http://www.mapmyrun.com and go do it.  It won’t be as hard as you think and you might even want to go further someday.  When I started, the idea of walking six miles was scary.  I’ve walked 13 now.  At once.  Go work out.  Try for three hours a week.  Is that hard?  Yes.  Losing weight isn’t easy.

Now the most important part.  This is the one thing that has made losing weight a reality for me, more than anything else that I’ve done. One word: accountability.  I started my whole change (I refuse to call it a “journey”) on May 20^th of this year.  I made my first blog post on June 19^th.  I tried half-assing the accountability.  I posted my daily change on Twitter, but never my weight, and I knew that I needed to make it known that this was happening if I wanted to keep this up.  So I put my weight online.  On June 19^th, I weight 379.4 pounds.  That’s not an easy number to tell to your family and friends. But it made me think about every choice that I’ve made since then.  It would be easy to stop off at the burger place and gorge until I’m uncomfortably stuffed, if I didn’t know that the next morning, I have to step on that scale and announce to the world my weight.

So there you have it.  Track what you eat, exercise (more than a little), and be accountable.  You don’t have to do what I did.  I got the idea from Drew Magary, a writer at deadspin.  The Public Humiliation Diet is my way.  But you don’t have to announce your weight to the world.   Put it on your refrigerator.  Put it on your desk.  Make yourself accountable to yourself, if no one else. There’s no big secret to weight loss.  There’s only reasons why you haven’t.  Once you get rid of those, there’s no way to stop you.

Weight limit.

Today, for the first time in many years, I weighed under 330 pounds.  This is a surprisingly significant number for me. 

First, as you can see above, for the first time in a long time, my driver’s license is actually accurate.  In Oregon, I was actually registered with the state at 340 pounds, and when I got the Washington license, I for some reason decided that License Me had lost ten pounds, even though Real Me wasn’t sniffing 330 any more than 340. 

Second, 330 seems to be a cutoff point for a lot of things these days.  It seems that it used to be (back when it used to be odd to see a person over 300 pounds) that weight limits were set to 300 for most products.  330 seems to be the new number.  It makes me feel good that I can go buy a regular bathroom, spinny-numbers scale and weigh myself on it today.  I can also buy a Wii Fit.  Sure, I don’t have a Wii, but I could.  I’ve found hammocks, recliners, and zip line tours with weight limits of 330 pounds too. 

I’ve also been thinking about something else as it has become more and more feasible.  I haven’t been on an amusement park/fair ride (excluding Ferris wheels) since probably my senior trip to Six Flags in 2001.  I love roller coasters and other such rides.  But there’s no way that I’m getting in those lines without being awfully damn sure that that safety harness is going to fit.  I actually found a website where fat people submitted their experiences attempting to ride the rides at various theme parks that was helpful, but I still plan to wait until the ol’ State Fair next year to make my grand entrance to the ride scene.

That leads me to another question, though.  Who are these people willing to stick their pride out there and hop on into line, not knowing if you’ll fit?  I’m not asking to shame these people; I am impressed.  As a longtime fat person, I know the dread that goes into a lot of seemingly simple activities. It’s a very vulnerable position to put yourself in, and there’s no way I would have done it at 400 pounds.  I’d feel uncomfortable stepping up there at 329 pounds.

I’m also getting very close to a very good milestone.  When I reach 319.6 pounds, I will no longer be classified as Obese, Class III.  There is no Class IV.  At 6’3”, I’ll start dropping through the classes in neat 40-pound increments.  So at 279.6 pounds, I’ll reach Obese, Class I.  At 239.6 pounds, I will cease to be Obese and simply be overweight, and the pie-in-the-sky dream, which I fully admit may not be obtainable, is at 199.6 pounds, to be, for possibly the first time since my age was in single digits, at a normal weight.  Weighing under 200 pounds is an exciting thought, but so is weighing under 300 pounds.  I can’t get myself too wrapped up in the idea that there’s some weight that I HAVE to get to.  If I get under 200 pounds, great.  I should be in damn good shape.  If my weight stabilizes at 205 or 225 or 245, then I’m still miles ahead of where I was just four months ago. 

I’m miles ahead of that guy now, literally.  I have 222 miles under my belt, just from the miles that I’ve personally tracked.  I should have at least another 200 by the end of the year.  On Sunday, I’m going on a seven-mile hike with a 2800-foot gain on the way up, and while it’s going to be one hell of a workout, I’m not going to have a problem doing it.  I couldn’t say that four months ago.  I’m not at all sure that I’ve ever been on a hike before, and certainly nothing approaching seven miles.

So I may not get to that mystical number of 199.6.  But as great as my life was before I started losing this weight (it was), every day is even better (it is, and yes, you should be jealous).  It’s simple things, like discovering the place I want to go is six blocks away and being entirely OK with walking.  It’s walking up three flights of stairs and not having to catch my breath. 

Also, I’m finding that I’m enjoying working out again, but there’s a limit.  I’m starting to tire of walking and running, at least the walking and running that’s just on my own time.  I’m really excited to hike on Sunday, and I’m really looking forward to pushing myself at the gym.  I think I’m ready to switch it up.  I’ve lost 74 pounds doing the same routine, but now it’s time to diversify! 

Also, blogging won’t generally be this sparse; dealing with a back injury, being sick and work being crazy has really diminished my time for anything, especially when you throw in working out and my new commitment to eating in.  Basically, I’m super busy because I’m awesome and popular and important.  Enjoy the weekend!