Ambitious Me is a jerk.

For the first time since I started living like a normal person a little over two months ago, my body failed me last night. If I was religious, I’d totally think a god was smiting me for getting cocky. As it is, though, I think it’s more likely that it was just overuse. Yay science!

I did my six miles yesterday, but not without a hell of a struggle. I had been alternating quarter mile run/quarter mile walk for the six miles the last few weeks, but Ambitious Me, sitting at his desk at work yesterday, got the bright idea that yesterday, I should do the first three miles in half mile run/quarter mile walk increments. Lucky for him, Ambitious Me doesn’t have to go running. He leaves that to Lazy Me.

Anyway, I got through the first three all right – surprisingly well, really. Around the 4-mile mark, though, when I was back to quarter-quarter, my left leg muscles just stopped pulling their weight. It started in my calf, then my knee and my thigh, and by the end, when I was barely shuffling through the last ¼ mile run interval, my hip was laboring to move my leg forward. I think a combination of my faster running on Friday and twisting the night away on Saturday probably fatigued my leg muscles enough to turn me into an elderly person by the end of six miles.

In a way, it’s frustrating. I always thought that the biggest impediment to my being a runner was going to be my cardiovascular fitness. I’m not saying that I don’t occasionally get winded walking up stairs, but cardiovascular-wise, running half a mile was easy, albeit not at a blistering pace. But it’s my body that’s not holding up its end of the bargain. If it’s not my legs, it’s my back. My back tightens up at the 3- or 4-mile mark almost every time I run. It loosens up when I start walking again, but it puts a hard upper limit on my running ability.

On the bright side, the weight is still coming off. I measured my resting heart rate at 61 bpm today, and I’m 2.4 pounds short of fifty. I have a previously scheduled massage on Saturday, so I’m trying to drop that last bit so I don’t have to retroactively reward myself. Retroactive rewards are for suckers.

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
Wedding leftovers (stuffed pork loin, rice pilaf, braised kale)

Dinner:
Grilled Salmon/roasted broccoli/herb couscous

I got chafin' on me nipples!

I chafed my nipples on Monday night.

I know that for most people, chafed nipples would be a negative thing. But I consider it a milestone! I’ve never run enough to chafe my nipples, or else I was never running in the right conditions. Sure, it means I have to start Band-Aiding up when I run, but every time I slap a Hello Kitty across my nips (not Dora the Explorer, that’s just creepy), I’ll take a measure of pride.

I have been so busy lately! I feel like I’m letting down the public when I don’t blog, but I just haven’t had an opportunity lately. Wednesday, it was the Doug Benson stand-up show immediately after I got home (I didn’t get called up on stage, but I did get a picture eating beef jerky with Doug Benson). Thursday it was my brother’s wedding rehearsal – again, immediately after I returned home. Friday, we woke up, did a run and it was off to Mr. Formal to try on my jacket and pants, then to Portland for the girls to get nails done and for us guys to stake out a spot at Serrato for the youngun’s party.

Digression: I feel pretty impressed with myself, actually. Friday could have been a dangerous game, but I fought off the temptation. For the most part, at least. More on that in a minute.

Saturday was the wedding and everything that comes with that, such as waking up early, heading to Mr. Formal to pick up the jacket and pants, picking up wedding stuff, getting shaves, and of course, the actual wedding. Sunday was dinner with Sarah’s family friends, as well as all the post-wedding errands. So yeah, really not a free moment at all.

However, I have a whole list of accomplishments to brag about. Wednesday night was the Doug Benson show, and there were a couple of pitfalls: a two-drink minimum and comedy club food. Luckily, if you come to Portland you’d think there were a law requiring all businesses to offer a hummus plate, so we shared that and I had Coronas, which may not be the lowest-calorie option but I wasn’t about to drink well drinks at a comedy club.

Friday morning was run day, and I continue to be less slow as I go along. It’s an out-and-back, and after going out in 43:04, we came in in 42:34, so that’s a six-mile time of 1:28:38. I’m going to miss my weekly 5K again this week (family obligations and all), but I’m excited at the prospect of making some PRs. I’m not one of those people that enjoys running, and I think you people are weird that do enjoy it. But PRs are awesome. I need to break 43:30 in my 5K and 42:00 for three miles. I also want to do a timed mile at some point. I’m not to the point that I’m running a mile yet, but I can alternate running and walking and I imagine I can come in somewhere between 12:30 and 13:00, but I don’t have anything timed yet. Maybe I can get down to a high school and time myself on the track.

Friday night was the aforementioned pre-wedding party, and my brother and I were tasked with grabbing a table at Serrato for happy hour while the girls finished up their nail appointment. We arrived at the restaurant at about 3:55 and told the waitstaff that we would have more joining us around 4:20. Turns out the girls went to the slow nail place and didn’t make it until 5:20. Being in a restaurant for that long is a bit torturous, especially when there is bread so readily available. But we split one order of bread and each had one deviled egg, which I’m sure the staff appreciated while they kept refilling our water.

After Serrato came VoiceBox for karaoke, and my newly-minted sister-in-law’s cousin was ready to break out the drinks. Don’t get me wrong, great guy, but not great for diets, or driving ability. Again, I was able to restrain myself, pawn off the extra drinks, and stay sober for the drive home, as well as not drink 1000 calories worth of alcohol.

You’d think that this is enough temptation for one week, but oh no! You would be wrong. Saturday was the wedding, and oh my, was there food to be had. I was the officiant, and yet I was the least impressive of my brothers. The older one was getting married, so people were all excited about that for some reason, and my younger brother did the catering, which came out beautifully. Luckily, I ate light earlier in the day and so the dinner of amazing salad, stuffed pork loin, rice pilaf, eggplant lasagna, and braised greens wasn’t a total devastation of my daily intake. Also, I danced. Badly. But I’m pretty sure they let you burn calories for dancing whether you can bust a move or not.

Sunday should have been easy then, right? Ha ha, not this time, fatty! It turns out that Sarah’s friends, despite being about 40 years older than me, manage to keep up several beautiful acres of grass, fruit trees, and gardens while still making an amazing dinner of potato cheese casserole, green salad, rice and apple salad, and grilled chicken. Oh, and with rhubarb custard pie for dessert. It was ridiculously difficult to resist the overtures of more food, but I held off and still went home full.

So today I get to relax a little, besides my six-miler tonight. At least I don’t have to resist the temptation of weddings and alcohol and retired ladies bearing pie. Hard to say which is most difficult.

Tuesday:

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
Leftover cheesesteak fixins

Dinner:
Ham/chicken/mozzarella/avocado/hummus Panini
Handful of Krab

Wednesday:

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
1 lb Krab
Cucumber/hummus

Dinner:
Hummus plate at Helium
2 Coronas
1 piece jerky (with Doug Benson)

Thursday:

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
Turkey/Ham/Mozzarella/Hummus Sandwich

Dinner:
Sushi (miso, edamame, krab stick, masago, asparagus roll)
Sapporo – 1

Friday:

Breakfast:
Luna Chocolate Peanut Butter Bar
Amy’s homemade healthy scones (amazing)

Lunch:
Another Luna Bar (I think that was the brand)

Dinner:
Serrato’s IPA
Three slices bread
Small amount olive oil
1 deviled egg
Rigatoni
¼ hummus plate
1 Sapporo
2 shots sake

Workout:
Six miles in 1:28:38

Saturday:

Brunch:
Turkey/brie/arugula/cran jam crepe from Perierra creperie (holy Christ they’re good)

Dinner:
Stuffed pork loin, braised kale, rice pilaf, eggplant lasagna, wedding cake, Mia’s and Pia’s pale ale

Workout:
Breakin’ it down

Sunday:

Breakfast:
Amy’s scone

Lunch:
Turkey/ham/mozzarella/pesto Panini

Dinner:
Fruit salad
grilled chicken thigh
chickpea/brown/rice/apple salad
green salad with mandarin and feta
2 spanakopita triangles
Rhubarb custard pie w/whipped cream

Come get your rewards!

Being fat and working out creates all kinds of challenges that normals don’t face in everyday life. Weighing 360+ pounds makes working out a whole raft of issues. Like running. You’d think that the hard part of running would be trying to huff and puff along without dying in a heaving lump on the side of the path. In reality, cardio is not the biggest issue. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still way out of shape, and by the quarter-mile mark I’m sucking in air like a dying fish. But the biggest obstacle is my body physically holding up to the stress. By the end of six miles of alternating walking/running, I need to ice my legs like a catcher, and I feel like the only way to lessen that is to lose weight. But of course, to lose weight I need to keep working out. Anyway, I’ll either lose the weight or my knees will explode.

On the plus side, I have a good deal more time to work out now with the new job. I’m currently getting home at 6:00 or so, but once the summer’s over I’ll be home by 5:00. The only downside is that I’ll be working Fridays come the fall, but it’ll be easier to put in 5-6 days of working out a week.

I think it’s time for me to start thinking about goal weights, and finding a way to reward myself. I know that this is really an award I get for doing what I should have been in the first place. It’s like being the Turnaround Student in school. Eventually doing what comes naturally to most people becomes an accomplishment. But still…I do like prizes. So do I get a reward for going from Obese Class III to Obese Class II (319.6)? Do I get a reward when I lose 50 (353)? As much as I would enjoy a steady stream of rewards, it makes sense to save them for real milestones. So I think I’ll get myself something small for 50 pounds. But what do you buy yourself for losing weight? I know that food rewards are no good. Ideas are welcome!

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
1 lb imitation Krab (I’m addicted to this stuff)
Cocktail sauce
Salad
Raspberry pie

Dinner:
Lean cheesesteaks (roast beef/mozzarella/peppers/onions/stadium roll)
Apple pie and ice cream

Workout:
6.47 miles in 1:34:45

I'm so vain.

You may have noticed that there was no weigh-in posted yesterday. This was partially a nod to pragmatism, but it was mostly an attack of vanity. It’s true that having gone to my brother’s bachelor party last night, getting intoxicated and consuming a relatively large amount of salty treats (as well as way too much delicious spice cake), I knew that I was headed for a hefty weight gain, even if most was water retention. It’s also true that I didn’t get an opportunity to weigh myself until after breakfast, despite my usual early morning weigh-in. But that’s no reason to skip. So here’s my weigh-in from yesterday, post-binge-and-breakfast:

Yesterday: 364.4
Change: +3.4
Last 7 days: +0.4
Since May 20, 2012: -38.6

So there it is. In reality, it wasn’t a terrible night. I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 3500-4000 calories. Certainly not ideal, but not an amount that should set me back a couple weeks. I lost 2.4 of that bloat today, so I think this week should be fruitful, especially as I’m watching my eating extra-carefully.

I have three obstacles right now, however. First is allergies. Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a lot more time outside running on grass-lined fields, but my allergies are out of control! I’m on two Zyrtecs a day and it’s still just barely making a dent. I’m lucky that I live in a state that sells Sudafed over the counter, so my suffering is mitigated some, but it’s making everything just feel like a chore.

Second is mosquitoes. I need to invest in some insect repellent. My trail of choice runs directly alongside a river/reservoir and what looks like a cesspool, so the mosquitos are about, and they seem to be feasting on the area just at the bottom of my shorts. My upper calves were itching to the point of pain last week. Also, I’m of the opinion that working out will be even more difficult with West Nile Virus. Bastard mosquitoes.

Third is just life in general. Today is my only really good day for working out this week, with the exception of Saturday. Bearing in mind that I work from 7am-5pm, tomorrow I have to go seeking a wedding gift and another good shirt. Wednesday I have to go straight from work to home to Helium Comedy Club to see Doug Benson perform. Thursday is the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (I’m officiating the ceremony. Friday, I have an appointment in the Beav in the morning and then wedding party dinner/drinks/etc. Saturday I can do, I think, but even that will take some work, since I have a shave appointment and all the pre-wedding stuff. I’m looking at possibly swinging a workout between my Beaverton appointment and dinner, since I have to start that business around 1, but it’ll be a stretch.

Finally, I saw a great tweet yesterday:

Good workout today. There was a moment when I was ready to quit but thought of @NotLikeMcLovin and put in another 10min #inspired #fitness

— elizabeth velasco (@velascoev) July 22, 2012

It made me feel really good, and also a bit guilty, but mostly good. Also, I’ve received lots of support from @antonioortegajr, @Caseyerinhenri, @misterappliance, @yoUofOh, and @tinysquared. Follow them (if they’ll allow you to, in some cases), and follow me @NotLikeMcLovin.

Friday:

Breakfast:
Balance Bar BARE Sweet and Salty Peanut Butter

Lunch:
Panini with lean ham and turkey, hummus, cheese, pepper, onion

Dinner:
Pizza party with Lyle, of Lyle’s Myles! Half a small pizza and shared a pitcher of Coors Light

Workout:
Walked 6.1 miles in 1:44:50

Saturday:

Breakfast:
1/3 of remaining pizza

Lunch:
Rest of remaining pizza

Dinner/snacks/drinks:
Dos Equis, some clove-y beer (meh), PBR
Beef brisket with pickled veggies and braised greens
10 oz beef jerky
2 oz Kettle Baked Sea Salt & Vinegar chips
1 insane amount pumpkin spice cake with chai cream cheese frosting
Several Rice Krispie Treats

Sunday:

Breakfast/brunch:
Eggs, sausage, hashbrowns

Dinner:
Baked tilapia, salad, roasted garlic quinoa

Snacks/drinks/dessert:
Small serving bread and hummus
1 Dos Equis
Apple pie with a little ice cream

I'm back!

Okay, I’m back over 40 pounds lost again! Hooray!

It’s not really a biggie. I’ve been posting big losses for a while now and it has to even out sometime. I had a bigger problem yesterday with my mindset. I got this really awful feeling, like a guilty feeling, about not working out. I don’t have any reason to feel that way; I’m still working out five days a week and putting in 15-20 miles, eating healthy, etc. So why the glumness? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the stress of the week.

I started my new job in Portland this week and in a lot of ways it’s great, the most basic of which being that I’m now driving 22 miles to work instead of 100. On the down side, it’s a lot more buttoned down and, unlike my old job, I don’t like everyone that I work with, but that’s just how it goes when you go from an office of two to an office of 40.

Whatever the reason, I really don’t want to get into the habit of getting down on myself for not working out. What’s better is to be happy when I’m motivated to work out. Speaking of which, I did six miles today, which is good, but even more exciting is that I had to go buy a new pair of shoes. That’s right, I wore out a pair of shoes by walking and running in them, intentionally, until they couldn’t go any more. I figure these probably lasted somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 miles over the last year. Not a huge number, but I’ve done over 90 since the start of June, so go me!

As for this week, I must admit that I’m a little bit worried about the next month. This weekend I have my brother’s bachelor party, next weekend is the wedding, and two weekends after that is Mancave, where I will, of course, drink until I can’t feel feelings anymore and then eat until I can. But I just have to think about what I eat and while I might still gain weight, the key is mitigating the damage.

Tuesday:

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
Tuna melt!

Dinner:
Pork sirloin, homemade collard greens (yeah, I make them), couscous, low-sugar raspberry pie and ice cream

Wednesday:

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
Pork, collard greens, salad with lots of veggies

Dinner:
Tuna melt!

Thursday:

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio (sense a trend?)

Lunch:
Big salad w/tuna and veggies

Dinner:
Avocado/cheddar/hummus/turkey/ham Panini

Snack:
Delicious apple flax bread

Milestone.

I hit 40 pounds lost today, in 58 days. It’s definitely a good thing, but it’s certainly going to be a drag when I start losing a normal amount of weight. Until then, I’ve got to enjoy it!

Yesterday was a rough workout, but it was an extremely satisfying one. Somehow I got the great idea to do a six-miler by alternating walking and jogging a quarter-mile at a time. I actually was doing pretty well cardio-wise, but my leg muscles are just not quite up to snuff! Well, that’s not entirely true. They are just barely up to snuff. At the four-mile mark or so, my legs started slowly giving in to weakness. By mile five, I was ready to quit. But I pushed myself and I had some great encouragement, and I finished LIKE A BOSS. It sucked, quite a bit. But sometimes the bullshit your high school football coaches tell you isn’t such bullshit. It’s true that when you’re ready to quit, that’s when you really start improving.

It was the first workout since I decided to be the anti-fatty that really felt the way those workouts did during high school wrestling, when I finished a practice and I really pushed myself. And it felt good. I forgot how good it felt to work out to the point of exhaustion. That’s not to say that it felt great physically. It was hard to move much for the rest of the night but goddamn it, it felt great pretty much every other way.

And today’s my rest day, which is sorely needed. It’s also my last day making the drive from Vancouver to Seaside every day. Two hours each way blows. Now I’ll be driving to southwest Portland, which means my commute goes from 195 miles per day to 44. It’s going to be a huge reduction in stress, and a huge increase in free time. I plan to join the gym because I need to get some strength training in my life, though that may have to wait until I’m done working ten-hour days. But I’d prefer to stave off a big plateau before it happens, so we’ll see.

Anyway, today is a day for celebration. I’ve lost 40 pounds!

Breakfast:
Eggs/Eggos/Tapatio

Lunch:
Progresso Soup (2 cans)
Broccoli

Dinner:
Healthy tuna melt (tuna, light salad dressing, tons of veggies, cheese)
Cantaloupe

Snack:
Balance Bar Bare Peanut Butter

Lyle is my homeboy.

Yes, this happened.

I know, it’s fabulous. The Lyle’s Myles walk was a success. Not only did we raise over $200 for AIDS charities, we won the costume contest, which means we get to have a pizza party, with Lyle (middle), who is awesome.

I got a walk in on Sunday too, about three miles, so I’ve got a nice little workout streak going, and it’s paid off. I lost almost five pounds last week, and I’m right on the precipice of 40. Also, I went clothes shopping yesterday and it was fantastic! I found clothes that fit, even some clothes that were too big, and although most of the things that I found were either too big or too small because clothing makers are assholes, I got quite a haul.

Anyway, I’ve been too busy to write a decent blog post, but I figured it would be a good idea to check in with you lovely people.

Friday:

Breakfast:
Chicken breast – 3 oz

Lunch:
Ham/jalapeno/tomato/avocado/sriracha mayo on baguette, green salad

Dinner:
Taco salad, corn on the cob, Dos Equis (3)

Saturday:

Breakfast:
Starbucks Turkey Bacon Breakfast sandwich

Lunch:
Amy’s fruit and nut bread
Grilled chicken stick
Wheat Thins and Hummus

Dinner:
Cheeseburgers, salad and grilled zucchini
Miller Lite (6)

Sunday:

Skipped breakfast again, like a sucker.

Lunch:
Chicken/Hummus/Veggies on sourdough roll, red grapes

Dinner:
Ribeye steak, salad, broccoli, Dos Equis (1)

Snack:
Banana

Eight miles is a lot.

So maybe August is a little early to walk 13 miles.

I did a little over eight miles this morning and holy shit, my body is flat-out pissed at me. Really, I’m feeling pretty good now, but today’s walk was rough. It seemed like I never was able to get into a good groove. I was already feeling out of my element at the three-mile mark, and I almost decided to just do the six and get it over with. But fuck that, I’m no quitter. I powered through, and then I resolved to never walk again, like the opposite of a spinal injury patient.

That may be inaccurate, but I’m going to slow my roll a little bit. I got a little ahead of myself. I’ll see how I feel next week about doing 10, but I might just do 6 or 8. In any case, I’ve done about 16 miles this week, so I can’t complain too much. Besides, I’m two pounds away from 40 lost and 2.3 away from losing 10% of my body weight.

Also, it’s less than four weeks to Mancave!

Breakfast:
Eggos/eggs/Tapatio

Lunch:
Blue Cheese bacon burger (homemade), apple

Dinner:
Carrots, red and green peppers, baguette/hummus/turkey/ham/cheddar sandwiches

Fabulous!

Not a bad run yesterday. It was a three-miler and not a 5K, so beating my PR wasn’t as much of an option. I finished in 42:30, which was a little slower than 43:30 pace, but I’m pretty happy with it. The course is more difficult than the ones I’ve been doing lately. Pretty much three miles of little hills. Plus, I did the same course in 42:43 in January. And I felt a lot better throughout than I have lately, which I’m almost certain is due to drinking enough water as opposed to obtaining my water through Red Bull and Pepsi Max. I think I need to drink more though. I’ve been making an effort to drink 8 cups of water but I still felt dry-mouthed after a couple miles, and I was dealing with some cramping after the race.

That brings up something else. I am not getting enough potassium. I seem to be averaging between 1000-1500 mg a day , and I should be at a minimum of 2000 mg. I’ve been doing some research and it seems that a lot of high-potassium foods are high in carbs too. However, I think I’ve found the solution: beet greens! I love collard greens and turnip greens because they are delicious, and I can’t imagine beet greens are any different. I just need to find someone I can pawn off the beets to, because beets are shitty.

Tomorrow I start ramping up my walking miles to get ready to walk a half-marathon. Tomorrow will be 8 miles; next Friday will be 10. I was planning to do the half before the end of the month, but the first Friday of August just makes more sense. After I do the half, I’ll need to take some time before I do another long walk, and the next weekend is Mancave, where I will be too busy giving myself mild alcohol poisoning to do a long-distance walk.

Finally, the Lyle’s Myles 5K is coming up on Saturday, and I am going to be ready! I got myself some rainbow hobo gloves, I have a rainbow headband waiting for me, and I’ve got my mustache grown out to a majestic length. The pictures are going to be fabulous.

Breakfast:
Eggs, Eggos, Tapatio

Lunch:
Turkey sandwich, 5 oz tuna

Dinner:
Pita Pit Gyro Pita w/hummus, spinach, mushroom, jalapeno, onion, tzatziki

Cigarettes are awesome and make you look cool.

Proof.

I’d really like to smoke right now.

I last had a cigarette on Friday, I believe. It’s not so much that I feel a need to smoke, it’s just that I’m used to it. So in other words, it’s more habit than addiction. But it's pretty stupid to smoke when I'm trying to, you know, get in shape.

In reality, I’ve been restless. It would be nice to throw on my workout gear and head out for a run/walk. Unfortunately, I only get so much break time and it would likely be unbecoming to be all sweaty in the office. The good news is that I do have the ol’ weekly 5K tonight. I’m hoping to break my PR tonight, which would be 43:30.

I’m feeling extra-motivated today for some reason. This is in many ways good, but is also frustrating me as I sit here, unable to make use of the motivation. It would help if I had the same motivation to write a fucking awesome blog post for you fine people, but it appears I’m just going to prattle on about nothing.

But hey, you might read it, right? OK, so I’m on a slow weight loss spell, but I’m also being a tad impatient. I’ve lost two pounds in the last six days, which is certainly slower than I’d like to be losing, but shit, it’s two pounds. If I lose two pounds a week, I’ll be at 265 in a year, and that would be just fine. I’m not going to lose 4-5 pounds a week in perpetuity.

I ostensibly have a goal of ten pounds a month, which would put me at around 310 pounds by the end of the year. I need to remember that that would be fantastic. I haven’t been 310 pounds in ten years, probably. And since the alternative is to be 370 pounds at the end of the year, I should probably avoid eating total shit and sitting on my ass 24/7.

Breakfast:
Eggs, Eggos, Tapatio

Lunch:
Taco salad (chicken, veggies, beans, sour cream, Tapatio, etc.)

Dinner:
Hometown Buffet! Big salad (greens, veggies, eggs, chicken, blue cheese dressing)
1 chicken breast, skin removed
3 ounces of incredibly oversalted steak
Not enough turnip greens (but then, there’s never enough turnip greens)
Fat-free no sugar added frozen yogurt

ZONK!

What would be more satisfying: Losing the same amount of weight, every day, or having three days of stagnation or gain followed by four days of higher weight loss? This is assuming both add up to the same loss each week. Wednesday through Saturday each week are great, but these Sunday-Monday-Tuesdays are pretty much bullshit. Obviously, there’s nothing much to take from daily fluctuations, but there’s no denying that it feels better to lose weight than to gain it, no matter the time frame.

Anyway, I was glad to be able to get back into some sort of exercise after my back injury debacle of last Osgood-Schlatter that I had growing up. I had thought that it went away, but according to that most sacred of tomes, Wikipedia, about 10% of sufferers have symptoms right on into adulthood. Fuck my knees. Anyway, I’m working to be extra healthy this month, because I’m about four weeks away from just destroying my body for four days. And it’s going to be incredible.

It’s known as Mancave. Each year me and a group of my buddies (we’re up to 12 this year) rent a beach house and spend a weekend there drinking – a lot, playing games like Cornhole or beach football, and generally just not giving a shit about anything but having fun. It’s a blast, but I’ll probably gain a good five pounds over the four days we’re there. However, this year I plan to put at least minimal effort into being healthy. I’m still going to eat most anything I want, but I plan to (and I stress, plan to) go for a walk/run each day when I wake up. I’m also hoping we do some beach football again, since that’s a surprising amount of running and moving around.

In the end, there’s a decent chance that at least one day I’ll be too hung over to do any working out in the morning, but I’ll figure something out, even if Lincoln City is horrible and doesn’t have a disc golf course. Perhaps basketball or something else stereotypical.

Finally, here’s some trivia, just because I like this trivia problem, and I’ve got to think of something to keep traffic up!

Suppose you're on “Let’s Make a Deal” and you're given the choice of three doors. Behind one door is a car; behind the others, ZONKs. The car and the ZONKs were placed randomly behind the doors before the show. The rules of the show are as follows: After you have chosen a door, the door remains closed for the time being. The host, Monty Hall, who knows what is behind the doors, now has to open one of the two remaining doors, and the door he opens must have a ZONK behind it. If both remaining doors have ZONKs behind them, he chooses one at random. After Monty Hall opens a door with a ZONK, he will ask you to decide whether you want to stay with your first choice or to switch to the last remaining door. Imagine that you chose Door 1 and Monty opens Door 3, which has a ZONK. He then asks you "Do you want to switch to Door Number 2?" Is it to your advantage to change your choice?

Good luck!

Breakfast:
Eggs, Eggos and Tapatio

Lunch:
Enchiladas Suizas (so delicious and bad for you; good thing I only had two)

Dinner:
Taco salad (salad mix, tomato, red and green peppers, chicken breast, black beans, sour cream, olives, red onion)

I beat the weekend.

Weekends are the enemy of weight loss. It’s been seven weeks now since I started managing my weight like a normal person. I weigh myself every day and yesterday was the first time in seven weeks that my Sunday weight was less than my Saturday weight. I’ve gained 5.8 pounds on Sundays, and lost 39.8 on every other day. But yesterday, I went from 369.6 to 368.8. Not only that, it was over a five-day weekend. I win.

Anyway, going back to my evening with Josh on Friday night, my plan worked fantastically. Yes, I ate too many calories, and yes, I ate an insane amount of sodium (jerky will do that), but I ate a lot less than the last time we had man time. I also switched out my regular tonic water for diet tonic water. I won’t lie, it’s not as good. However, after a couple of them, you begin to notice the difference less.

Also, I’m starting to approach my biggest weight loss, or at least the most I’ve lost as part of a conscious effort. I lost 42 pounds a few years ago on Weight Watchers in three months, and then inexplicably just decided fuck that, time for steak!

This blog entry feels flat. It’s not easy to come up with something each day that’s compelling or interesting, even to me. At the same time, I think that blogging every day, or at least most days, is important at least for accountability. And not just some one-paragraph bullshit about how awesome I am. (Though, to be fair, that would be amazing for you to read. In fact, I feel a bit sorry for you that you don’t get to read that.)

I need to write something substantive at least a few times a week. Blogging consistently and updating my weight every day also means I don’t get to cheat or, if I’m going to, I had damn well better be willing to tell everyone that I know about it. Even if I tried to leave it off my food log for the day, the scale doesn’t lie. And even if I tried to lie about what the scale said, you’d know if I tried to say I was 30 pounds lighter and you saw that I was as fat as ever.

Breakfast – Friday:
Cracked wheat sourdough and hummus

Lunch – Friday:
Roasted chicken breast/thigh/wing with skin removed and sautéed broccolini

Dinner – Friday:
12” Subway Oven Roasted Chicken Breast

Snacks/Drinks – Friday:
12 oz beef jerky, 5 vodka tonics

Lunch – Saturday:
Teriyaki chicken, Hawaiian vegetables, 1 scoop mac salad

Dinner - Saturday:
Tapas! Charcuteria, flatbread with cheese and arugula, radicchio salad, chicken liver mousse

Snacks/Dessert/Drinks – Saturday:
1 glass sangria, 1 Miller Lite, 1 old fashioned, 1 glass homemade black IPA, ½ slice cheesecake

Lunch – Sunday:
½ green salad, ½ order ceviche, ½ order fruit and cheese plate

Dinner – Sunday:
Blue cheese/bacon burger, Italian butter lettuce salad

Drinks/Snacks – Sunday:
1 Miller High Life, 1 Miller 64 (I’m a little ashamed of this), ½ personal cheese pizza

Of cabbages and kings.

Today I’m headed down to Salem to hang out with my buddy Josh again. As you recall, the last time this happened I careened into a 5000-calorie day. So today is a good test of my willpower, which is usually good, but I just can’t help myself around him. And yes, my friends would laugh heartily at that sentence. We are indeed mental 12-year-olds.

So the goal today isn’t to stick to my 2000-calorie diet that I generally use. I’m having guy time, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying some things that I normally wouldn’t. But I want to make good choices. So when we make our inevitable jaunt to the Safeway for some video-gaming snacks, I want to have a plan walking in so I don’t end up with a bag of Kettle chips in my gut.

First: no chips. I’ll probably still spring for a big bag of jerky, which is admittedly not the best option, but there’s a hell of a lot of difference between 1000 calories of salty potato chips that offer next to nothing in nutrients and 1000 calories of protein-packed, relatively low-fat jerky that will keep me full for hours.

Step two, grab an armful of fruit. I’ll likely end up leaving some fruit there, but again, better options available.

Third, there’s going to most likely be a trip to the Taco Bell. HOWEVER! There is a Subway across the parking lot. I will make use of it.

Finally, since we usually do a little boozing when we’re together, I’m taking down my bottle of Smirnoff and some tonic. Again, not the healthiest of options, but this is about substituting bad things for horrible things. I think a goal of 3500 calories is both logical and attainable, and at 369.4 pounds, probably not too far over my basal metabolic rate. Besides, if I go hang out with my boys and I’m eating berries and drinking water while they eat potato chips and drink booze, it’s just going to make me wonder if it’s worth it. A healthy diet without a space carved out for fun isn’t a healthy diet; it’s torture.

Oh, and I know this blog had nothing to do with its title. That song is just stuck in my damn head!

I skipped breakfast again! No bueno. Damn days off always throw off my meal plan.

Lunch:
Leftover burger. I’m not going to lie, it’s 95% as delicious as it was when I first made it. Goddamn I make a good burger.

Dinner:
Sarah’s sister made some amazing jambalaya, and healthy too! She’s a future nutritionist, and this would make you forget about your classic jambalaya. With barley instead of rice, and turkey sausage and shrimp. Unfortunately, this left me at too few calories for the day, so I made myself a breakfast sandwich when I got home, of two Eggo Nutri-Grain Whole Wheat waffles, two eggs, and two Jimmy Dean Low-Fat Turkey sausage patties. Oh, and a shitload of Tapatio, of course.

In which I win at burgers.

Fourth of July pitfall avoided! I knew dinner was going to be a hefty calorie load so I worked that into my calculations for the day. Luckily, I had to swing by the Urgent Care for my back at 4:00 in the morning, so after I got home I crashed until 11:00, then I grabbed some bread and hummus. Along with a light sushi lunch, I was ready to go.

First let me say this: I made some amazing burgers last night. Holy shit were these things delicious. There was also some healthy broccoli salad, some spinach salad and some green beans, so it was overall a pretty healthy dinner. I have another burger in my fridge right now waiting to be had for lunch and I’m going to enjoy the shit out of it. It’s a proven fact that blue cheese and bacon are the ideal toppings for a burger.

Anyway, not much new to report. Today was my big loss day, which was foretold by my previous four days, in which I gained just short of a pound.

That’s about it. Basically, I rock at burgers.

Breakfast:
Sourdough and hummus

Lunch:
Miso soup, 3 California rolls

Dinner:
Bacon blue cheese burger with pretzel bun, green beans, broccoli salad, spinach salad
Strawberries and whipped cream

The most bastardly muscle redux.

Um, ow.

Remember that horrible horrible pain I had yesterday? Holy shit, it got worse this morning. I was dumb enough to forget to turn off my alarm today and I woke up at 4:00 again, unable to breath or move really. So I made the trip down to the trusty urgent care. Then by the time I got there, I was feeling mostly okay. Anyway, I got myself a prescription for muscle relaxers and Vicodin.

So, it is ridiculously easy to get pain pills! I have actual pain, but really, the exam consisted of telling the doctor that I was in pain, he asked me if it hurt when I moved my arm across my check and BAM! Vicodin, along with some Flexeril.

Anyway, only down 0.4 today. Could it be that I’ve upped my water intake the last few days? I’m guessing my body is making good use of the water, since most of it isn’t coming out of me, so maybe that’s the issue. Whatever it is, at least it’s the right direction.

Breakfast:
2 eggos, 2 eggs, Tapatio

Lunch:
Turkey sandwich, easy mac

Dinner:
Fajitas!

The most bastardly muscle.

I pulled a muscle in my ribcage yesterday, along my back. The ribcage seems to be the most bastardly part of the body to injure. I hiccupped this morning and I almost pissed myself.

So I got home yesterday and was thinking about possibly doing six miles with the dog. The problem is that the park I walk in closes at that nebulous hour of “dusk”. When the hell is dusk? According to The Weather Channel, sunset was at 9:04 last night. Is sunset the same as dusk? I use them interchangeably, but what the hell do I know? So I get down to the park at around 6:45 and decide it’s best to push the pace a little. Usually I do six miles at around 19-20 minutes per mile, but we made it out to the turn-around point (it’s a 5K trail) in 50 minutes.

At this point, I decide I want to bring it in in 48 minutes. I made the first mile in about 15:30 and make the decision to come back in 46. With a little push at the end, I finish up the 10K trail in 1:35:50. Watch your back, Galen Rupp. I’m only 1:09:02 behind you now, punk!

I plan to do a nine- or ten-miler on Friday morning, and I’m going to do a half-marathon later this month. I expect it will take somewhere in the neighborhood of four hours, and I will then officially be even more awesome.

On the downside, that damn scale is being stubborn. I lost about seven pounds in four days though, so I expect that to be going the right direction again tomorrow.

Breakfast:
2 eggs, 2 Eggo Nutri-Grain Whole Wheat waffles, coffee

Lunch:
Turkey sandwich on Dave’s Killer, Creamy Tomato Soup

Dinner:
Panini (turkey, cracked wheat sourdough, red pepper, red onion, hummus) – holy shit was it good.

Too much information. Enjoy.

Fuck my alarm clock.

More accurately, fuck the alarm function on my phone. To be fair, I wouldn’t be so down on it if it went off at 8:00 instead of 4:00. Waking up isn’t the worst part, though it’s a total bitch. It’s that my body is entirely under the impression that I have an hour and a half left to sleep. I know this because the morning constitution is always late in coming.

Among the things that change when you go from eating like shit three times a day (that’s a lie – it’s more like eating like shit constantly throughout the day) is, to be quite literal and give out way too much information, shit. It doesn’t take long to go from three times a day to once, and if you don’t eat the fiber you need it can easily be zero. I can attest to this. When I reduced my calories from what must have been at least 4000 a day to 2000 or so, my fiber intake went down drastically. I didn’t have to go Bobby Brown and have someone drop a digit on me, but it did take a hefty investment in fiber gummies to get me back to something approaching normal.

Okay, enough shit-talking. It’s time to recap my weekend. Friday I took the dog out for another walk and it was great. I did another six miles and it was easy. The hardest part was really not having headphones, so I had to muffle the sound of “Doug Loves Movies” when walking by little old ladies so they don’t hear comedians using filthy words on the walking path.

So now I want to start upping my distance. I plan to keep pushing on my running until I can actually call what I do “going for a run”, but cardio is cardio, whether it’s at 8 minutes a mile or 20. I plan on walking a half-marathon sometime this month, and it’ll probably take me somewhere in the neighborhood of four hours. But shit, what am I doing on Friday mornings when I have the day off? Not shit, that’s the answer. I have four hours. So fuck it, I’m going to do a half-marathon at least as fast as your average elderly person.

Saturday was the charity dinner for Lyle’s Myles 5K on July 14th (you can donate here). Great cause, great party, and lots of unhealthy food! I made Enchiladas Suizas, which are absolutely delish and also are made with heavy cream and a whole motherfucking shitload of cheese. I wanted a whole pan for myself because CHEESE AND MEAT. However, I limited myself to two, along with some chips and guacamole and some other things, including six damn truffles. That god damn ganache.

Still, it was a pretty good day and I didn’t lose my mind eating-wise. So we’re in good shape and headed for a week of awesomeness.

Food time!

Friday:

Skipped breakfast again, like a douche.

Lunch:
Sushi (4 pcs spicy tuna, 2 pcs Nigiri Kani, 8 pcs California roll, miso soup)

Dinner:
Ribeye steak (~10 oz), broccoli, corn on the cob

Dessert/Snacks:
YoCream Vanilla, strawberries, Oreo crumbles
1 piece of Milka chocolate

Saturday:

Skipped breakfast again!

Lunch:
Pita Pit Chicken Souvlaki pita with veggies and Dijon

Dinner:
Enchiladas Suizas, Coronas (4), 6 truffles, greens, chips and guac

Sunday:

Breakfast:
Starbucks Turkey Bacon breakfast sandwich

Lunch:
Grilled chicken and beef, rice, salad
2 cookie bars

Dinner:
Cheesesteak (lean roast beef, 2 slices mozzarella, peppers/onions, stadium roll)