Self-doubt.

I made the most awesome pulled pork yesterday.  Seriously you guys, just amazing.  Also, I’m fairly sure that North Carolina barbecue might be the best.  It’s the vinegar, I think. 

So far, so good for my holiday plan.  I’m actually making myself eat 1500 calories a day, which sounds silly, I know.  In fact, yesterday after dinner I had to have a banana with two tablespoons of peanut butter (note: peanut butter and banana sandwich?  Best sandwich in existence), and then I still had to have eight Wheat Thins just to put me over.  I really don’t think I’m starving myself either.  I haven’t done this for a while, but here’s what I had to eat yesterday:

Breakfast: A Thomas’ Light Whole Wheat English Muffin, egg, Canadian bacon slice, and a slice of Kraft 2% milk American cheese.  Total: 238 calories, 9 grams fat, 8 grams fiber, 18 grams protein.

That keeps me fairly satisfied until lunch.

Lunch:  Salad (romaine lettuce, tomato, jalapeno, red pepper, mushrooms, red onion) and eight ounces of seasoned chicken breast.  Total: 352 calories, 6 grams fat, 7 grams fiber, 58 grams protein.

That kept me going through the end of the day and my workout after work.

Dinner: Seven ounces pulled pork shoulder, Near East Parmesan Couscous mix, steamed peas.  Total: 547 calories, 8 grams fat, 4 grams fiber, 49 grams protein.

So at this point, I’m at 1137 calories, and I’m not really hungry.  Still, I grab myself the aforementioned peanut butter and banana and Wheat Thins and ended up at a decent 1506 for the day.  It’s hard when I’m not really that hungry.  It’s the right move though.  I don’t really get hungry on a given day, but a streak of five or six 1200-calorie days in a row wears me down, even if I don’t turn into a ravenous beast. 

I feel like I’m getting to a point where things are starting to really normalize.   I don’t mean that I’m done losing weight.  Far from it; my weight loss seems to be holding up just fine.  But it’s all becoming routine, which is both good and bad.  I don’t dread the gym, I have no problem eating well, it’s just my new normal.  That’s a great thing.  I just don’t want to get complacent.  Yesterday was both a good workout and a bad one.  I burned plenty of calories, so in that sense it was good, but I feel like my effort just wasn’t what I wanted.  Not a big deal; not every day can be a winner, but the treadmill broke me a little bit.  I got on there fully planning to run the entire 5K loop, but after a mile I had to pull it back and walk/run the rest. 

There’s a few reasons.  First, I’m terrified of the damn treadmill.  My balance on there is getting better, but if I watch the TVs for more than 20 seconds or so I start drifting to one side or the other and I have to swerve back to the middle, which makes me look like an insane person.  Or at least very clumsy.  Second, I was blazing hot.  Shockingly, running outside in late November is different than running on a treadmill inside a gym.  It didn’t help that I was wearing long sleeves because I’m an idiot. 

I’ve got this voice in the back of my head the last couple of days that is trying to tell me there’s no way I can pull off another 5K.  I’m not sure where it comes from.  There’s no reason that I can’t do it.  I just did it four days ago.  But my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise.  I don’t usually encounter much self-doubt, so this is new for me.  I still think that I can do it, but earlier this week I knew I could.  Not crippling self-doubt or anything, but just that stupid voice.

In other news, I’m under 290 today for the first time in a long time.  Since I didn’t weigh myself from February of 2001 (state wrestling meet, 231 pounds) until I hit 440, basically all my numbers will be “first time in forever” until then.  So enjoy some more months of that.  The good news is that this clears the way for me to have my cheat day on my birthday.  Oh my god it’s going to be amazing.  I’m working on my menu for the day, mostly just from wild hairs I get for certain foods.  So far, I’ve got dinner worked out: Chinese buffet.  It’s the shittiest food and it’s going to be epic.  Steamed crab legs and chicken skewers for days at that place.  Also, I’m going to have a peanut butter and banana sandwich.  It’s going to be awesome.   What can I say?  I’m a man of simple tastes.

I can run.

I think it’s good to plan ahead for things when you’re trying to lose weight.  Holidays aren’t a huge trigger for me, but I do love me some baked goods.  So I might as well have some semblance of a plan, even if I don’t carry a one-sheet around with me everywhere.

My holiday plan?  Do what I’ve been doing.  I have a cheat day planned for my birthday, and that will be awesome…for one day.  Then it’s back on.  I’ve been taking it a little easy the last week because I was going a little off the deep end (1200-1400 calories per day, 60-100 minutes of working out every day without rest days) and I feel refreshed.  I’ve been shortening my workouts and took a couple of rest days, and I’ve been eating between 1700-2000 calories each day.  Today is the start of another push though, but I’m just reminding myself to keep it under control.  My goal is to make myself eat a minimum of 1500 calories each day and have at least one rest day per week.  Will my weight loss slow a little?  Maybe.  But I figure it’s worth it to make sure that I continue losing and avoid burnout.

In other news, I was at the Hot Buttered Run on Sunday.  The Hot Buttered Run was my first ever 5K last year, and this is me running for the camera, struggling to a 45:25, probably around 385 pounds at the time:

And here's me running at the finish of this year's Hot Buttered Run, just because:

Last year, I was at a 45:25, finishing 420^th out of 570 runners.  This year, I actually ran the entire thing.  I finished in 32:20, 306^th out of 873 runners.  The time is really immaterial, though.  I ran, without stopping, for five kilometers.  I’m not entirely certain, but I’m almost sure that I’ve never run farther than a mile in my entire life before Sunday morning.  I’ve heard that the leap to running for distance is really that, a leap.  I haven’t actually been running for the last few months at all.  I’ve been dealing with knee tendinitis, probably caused by dropping over 300 pounds on my knee for years.

Sunday wasn’t really supposed to be any different.  I know I’m in better shape than I’ve been in almost my entire life.  I’ve been walking, sure, but I’ve been walking for distance, or walking for speed, or when I’m at the gym, ramping up the incline.  But the plan was to jog for a bit, wait for my knee to hurt and my lungs to have enough, and then settle in to a quick walk until the end.  I was shooting for a sub-40 5K, basically.

So when the race started, I settled into a decently-paced jog.  I actually had a goal for this.  During my first Hot Buttered Run, I made myself jog for about the first half-mile, probably my competitive streak kicking in.  The goal was to run at least past that point, since come on, I can run that far.  So I’m jogging, and I hit that walking spot and I feel like I’m in good shape.  I’m feeling fairly comfortable, actually, and not much out of breath at all.

Around the three-quarter-mile point is a footbridge with a decent incline to get to it.  I also know that just past the footbridge is the one-mile marker.  I figure I’ll push my way up the bridge and the downhill should be plenty of time to get my breath back and at least make the mile.  Maybe I can beat my old time of 11:20 back in August.  I get to the one-mile mark and check my time: 10:43.  Sweet – I not only beat my old time, but I’m feeling pretty good still.  So I decide to push it a little further.  There’s an extended hill coming up that goes under the I-5 bridge and up to Esther Short Park.  At this point, I’m still not thinking that I can finish the race.  My thinking is that I want to make it up that hill.  I keep thinking that it’s going to get to be too much.  But I keep climbing the hill and while it’s more difficult than flat ground, by no means am I feeling like I can’t go. 

At this point, I start thinking to myself that maybe I can actually do this.  By the time I hit the two-mile mark, I figured I had to do it.  I mean, quitting at 2 ½ miles would just be awful, right?  So I finished.  I suppose the end of that story is a bit anticlimactic.  But while I was tired, and still sore today, I feel great.  Spinning tonight is going to SUUUUUUUCK, but I’ll be back at it this Saturday.  I have a run in Ridgefield Saturday morning and I intend to run the whole thing. 

I don’t think I’m to the point yet where I’m going to start shooting for any certain time, but I’ve got some goals in mind.  I want to run a 5K under 30 minutes.  I want to run a 10K.  And I want to run a mile faster than I could in high school.  My best time in high school was a 6:06.  I think I could probably do an 8:30 or so mile now. I don’t think I’m ever going to be running a sub-20 5K or anything, but here’s a horrible secret:  I actually kind of liked running.  In the last few months, I haven’t really been doing workouts that challenge me mentally. 

I’m hoping that this is the kind of thing I need to snap me out of the rut I’ve been in, since the rut has been almost entirely mental.  My workouts have been good, my eating has been good, but I just haven’t been feeling it lately.  My most rewarding workouts are the ones where I have to fight through when I really want to quit.  Running does that for me.  So maybe I will set a goal for this weekend.  I don’t know that sub-30 is something I can do yet, but I can beat 32:20.  I may not be a runner, but I can run. 

Six months.

Today is officially six months of the “new me” if you want to say it all weird.  I suppose it’s a good time to reflect a little and see what’s changed.

When I started, I weighed in at 403 pounds.  Today, I weighed in at 295 pounds.

When I started, I was stretching out size 52 pants and shirts anywhere from 4XL to 5XL.  Today I’m wearing 42 jeans, a 2XL shirt and sweater, and they fit me comfortably.

When I started, I’d had facial hair constantly since May of 2003, because of the dreaded “fat face”.  Now, my face is clean shaven and fat face has been banished.

When I started, I shopped for clothes at two stores: Casual Male and Burlington Coat Factory.  Oh wait, Walmart had size 4XL Fruit of the Loom t-shirts that I could stretch to fit my body.  Today, I’m wearing nothing from those stores but my socks.  In fact, as I’ve stated before, I’m kind of an Old Navy addict, like any good 15-year-old girl.  My Jockeys are also an XL instead of an XXL, and they aren’t coming apart at the seams from stress.  Imagine that.

When I started, I could walk three miles, but it was a pain in the ass.  Today, I’m planning two 5Ks on Thanksgiving, and walking a mile to and from the last one.  I walked six miles on Sunday and had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t slacking and this did indeed count as a workout.

You get the point.  Things are much better, I’m much healthier and I’m now bringing the sexy.  There aren’t many downsides to this.  There are some things that straddle the line though.  When I don’t work out, I feel anxious.  Antsy.  Not so much guilty, but I feel like I really should be doing something.  I have a hard time giving myself a rest day and sitting in front of the TV.  When I’ve worked out, I think I have every right to sit there watching Baggage with Jerry Springer.  So I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing that I feel that way. 

Also, I’m still learning to adjust to being a normal person, which is strange because when I was super-fat, a lot of time was spent trying to blend in.  Now, I want to stand out (hence the new love of fancy clothes), but it clashes with my instincts to blend in.  So I have, as I’ve said before, a desire to be noticed, but a distinct aversion to my weight loss being recognized.  Recognition of any kind for my weight has never been in a positive light.  When you’re 400 pounds and someone notices your weight, it’s never for a good reason.  Now, people legitimately don’t realize I’m the same person at first, and then that’s what they want to talk about. 

The strange thing is, I’m fine with all of this online, and I truly appreciate the people that have said that I’ve inspired them or someone they love to get healthier.  I’ve actually been seriously considering the option of looking at careers  in helping people lose weight once I’ve made it to goal (by the way, if anyone knows how this can be done, drop me a line).  I’m still adjusting to having to talk about it in real time, with a real person.

Now, some things that I have gotten over.  I’m over the vanity of caring how many people check out the blog.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everyone that takes the time to read it, and it’s an outlet regardless of whether anyone reads it, but it’s a little hit to the ego to see the numbers dwindle from 50-60 to the 15-20 regular readers I have now.  In the end though, it doesn’t matter at all who reads it, if anyone.  Again, I’m happy for every reader, but it doesn’t validate my writing.  I write because there’s something to say.  Usually, I don’t know what that is when I start writing, and then before I know it I’m 1000 words in and I’m sure I’m past the point where most people are still reading.

I’m also done worrying about my finishing weight.  My goal weight is set at 199.6 because that’s the high point of the normal BMI range, but the BMI is largely bullshit anyway.  Could I get there?  Sure, it’s possible, but it doesn’t really matter if I do.  As long as I’m doing the right things and I’m making progress toward a healthier life, whether the BMI thinks I’m A-OK isn’t all that important. Maybe I’ll end up at 225 pounds; maybe I’ll end up at 185.

Finally, another thing that I’m doing that I haven’t done in far too long: looking for a primary care physician.  I can’t remember the last time I had one. Luckily, I’ve been in good health, even when living a healthy lifestyle, but now that the spectre of a coarse talking-to by the doctor isn’t hanging over it anymore, I really should get in for a physical, have all my fluids topped off, etc.

The downside to this is I actually have a reason to go to the doctor.  My wrist has been killing me the last two days and I’m not sure what I’ve done with it.  Carpal tunnel is something I’m worried about, but the sudden onset and lack of tingling or numbness has me doubting it.  Hopefully, it’s nothing major.  I have a wall to climb next September and I need to get my strength up.  That’s it!

Hipster doofus.

I think that for every person who loses a significant amount of weight, there comes a time when you see the first dividends that really mean something.  For me, I think that time came this weekend in the form of Old Navy. 

Now I’ve always given Old Navy kind of a bad rap, and I think that it’s because it really was entirely useless to me up until a couple of weeks ago.    I couldn’t wear any of their clothes, and trust me, having to go into a store where literally nothing is of any use to you really sucks.  But a couple of weeks ago, I found that I fit into a pair of 42-inch jeans.  Not only that, they cost $22!  Were you aware, dear reader, that there are places you can buy jeans for $22?  If so, then you likely inhabit the world of the normal-sized.  At the time, though, I tried on some shirts and it just wasn’t happening, so I took the small victory of cheap pants and was on my way.

This weekend, I returned with a vengeance.  I not only found several shirts, a couple of sweaters, and an awesome wool coat, and somehow spent less than $100.  What is happening?!  I’ve discovered a couple of things about myself:  One, I really like dressing nicely.  Two, I’m a little bit of a hipster.  Wool coats?  V-neck sweaters?  However, I think I’ll be all right, so long as I keep the V-necks shallow, and always ALWAYS wear a shirt underneath.  Also, I have to keep the beard off now, but that’s fine.  I happen to think I look much better without it.

I’ve spent much of my life dressing like a slob.  This wasn’t entirely intentional; I also spent much of my life having my wardrobe determined by what fit me.  Check that, by what covered me.  At 440 pounds, there’s really not a lot that “fits” in the traditional sense of the word.  I’ve spent almost no time looking sharp, and now I want to make up for that.  Not only that, I’ve only scratched the surface.  Old Navy is relatively welcoming to larger people.  I’m 301 pounds.  When I’m small enough to shop at places like the Gap?  I would absolutely love for my identifier to go from being “the fat guy” to being “the well-dressed guy”.  And it’s only going to get easier.

I suppose I should do some reflecting this week.  I’m very likely to get under 300 pounds in the next few days and it really is a huge milestone.  So what do I know about myself now?  Well first, one of the most notable things anyone has said to me is that I look “like a normal-sized person” now.  It’s true; there are plenty of men walking around at 6’3” and in the neighborhood of 300 pounds.  It’s overweight, to be sure, but when I was 440 pounds, it wouldn’t matter what I did, people saw that big fat guy.  Really, I wouldn’t mind being skinny some day, but being normal is a huge deal.

Another thing that I’ve noticed is that, despite writing a blog about losing weight, I really don’t like talking about it to people face-to-face.  People that haven’t seen me in a while don’t recognize me, and they ask me what’s changed.  Without fail, I say the beard or the glasses.  Why is that?  If I had gained 100 pounds, that would be reasonable to leave out, but having lost it is a good thing. 

In many ways, I don’t consider myself to have done anything particularly impressive.  I eat right and I exercise; millions of people do that in this country every single day.  Lots of them have eaten right and exercised for their whole lives, and they’ve always been fit.  I’m extremely happy that I’ve been able to stick with what’s right to do and that I’ve seen the fruits of that labor, but in reality, I’m like a deadbeat dad that’s strung together six straight full child-support payments.  It’s doing the right thing, but it wouldn’t take long to go back.

And going back to the previous point, I really like dressing well.  I’m going to throw in another plug for Old Navy here (even though my attempts at becoming a Tapatio endorser have gone nowhere).  They have really good clothes for dirt cheap.  Have you ever been to a big and tall store?  It’s awful.  Everything is ridiculously expensive – if you want a band t-shirt as a regular person, you pay $18 at Hot Topic, but us fatties spend $38.  Nothing is what you would call stylish.  It’s either two years out of style, or infinity, because it was always goddamn hideous.  I spent $65 for a sweater once.  I spent $13 for one at Old Navy.  Fuck you, Casual Male.  My visage shall never darken your doorway again!

So hopefully tomorrow will be the day that I leave the ranks of the three-billers once and for all.  The next completely esoteric milestone for me will be 275 pounds.  This isn’t an important number because it’s 25 less; it’s an important number because when I was in high school, I wrestled in the 275-pound weight class (albeit while weighing 225-230 pounds at the time) and for some reason, being light enough to qualify is a weirdly big deal.

For now, I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing.  I’ll eat right, work out like a motherfucker, and the next time you see me, don’t be surprised if I’m wearing something better than you’re used to.  After all, as ZZ Top says, every girl’s crazy about a sharp-dressed man.  (Hey, new karaoke idea!)

The libertarian diet.

Someone asked me how I stay motivated and keep going.  I think it’s a good question, especially a couple of weeks ago when my weight has been stubbornly refusing to go down.  And the answer is partially that I just don’t know.  Why is weight loss working for me this time when it’s failed so many times before? 

I’m one tiny pound away from 100, and I have no real idea what’s making me succeed this time.  Maybe it’s the ego boost when people notice?  I don’t think so; I got plenty of compliments a few years ago when I lost 42 pounds on Weight Watchers, and I quit that just as surely as the rest.  So what’s different this time? 

Really, I think that I’ve finally found a plan that works for me.  And it’s precisely because it’s NOT easy.  It’s simple, and I try to make things as convenient as possible for myself, but my motto has become “simple, not easy”. I’ve been working my ass off for the last few weeks and what do you know?  It worked!  From Wednesday of last week to Wednesday of this week, I lost 10.4 pounds.  There are other factors at play here, of course.  I was eating an insane amount of sodium (damn you, delicious lunch meat!), and I was only losing about a pound a week when by my calorie differential, I should have been losing four to four and a half.  So in a way, I was just catching up. 

I really fought through this plateau, though.  I’ve been working out like mad, at least five times a week, and I’ve been working HARD.  I found a full-body weight routine that I do three times a week – on machines, unfortunately, but not relying on a spotter allows me to pound out a workout, keep my heart rate high and work up one hell of a sweat.  I follow up lifting with at least 30 minutes of cardio.  My knee is a piece of shit, so I haven’t run in months now, but I ramp up the incline on the treadmill and away I go.  Non-lifting days are cardio for at least an hour.  I’m doing Spinning now, which is an awesome workout, if a little rough on the backside.  I miss my outdoor walks, but with the weather being absolutely atrocious, I’m stuck on the inside.

So back to what’s working…this is the first time that I’ve really taken it upon myself to lose weight, and not placed my faith in some system.  I tried Atkins.  It was the best thing ever for about two weeks, then bread started calling my name.  I tried Weight Watchers, as previously mentioned.  I spent as much time trying to game the system as I did anything else.  I’ve tried a hundred things, and the only thread I’ve seen throughout is that they all market themselves as an easy way to lose weight, or at least an easy one.  This is not a knock on Weight Watchers.  Weight Watchers does amazing things for the people that use it, and more importantly, have the personality for it.

People spend so much time trying to figure out what diet (and I use the term diet as “eating lifestyle”, not “temporary method for losing weight”) works best for them, but no one seems to focus on what’s best for their personality. 

Alcoholics Anonymous has a long-term success rate of somewhere around 5%.  Weight Watchers probably has a success rate in the same ballpark.  These numbers aren’t indictments of either organization, just that neither is right for everyone, or even most people.  You just have to find what works for you.

Now, as to why my particular way works for me, I’m going back to things not being easy.  I think I finally figured out that I would only lose weight if I put in the work.  Eating burgers and bacon and not eating bread wasn’t going to magically make me thin.  Eating a certain number of points wasn’t going to make me slim down (especially when I was gaming the system).  What will make me lose weight is eating right, KNOWING what I eat, and working out, and more importantly, doing them even when I don’t want to.  The only person that’s going to be able to make this happen is me, so I need to not only avoid temptation, but be able to live with it right up in my grill.  It’s like the libertarian diet. 

Of course, it also needs to be a diet that I can live with.  You know, forever, or at least until I die.  So there are some things that just aren’t going to work for me.  Like “clean eating.”  There are plenty of people I know that avoid eating anything processed, would never consider fast food, and think that natural food is all the bees’ knees.  If it works for them, great, but you know what’s delicious?  Egg McMuffins.  I’m going to make an attempt to get ingredients to make my own, like whole wheat English muffins and nitrate-free Canadian bacon, and maybe I can cut out the Egg McMuffins.  But boxed couscous mix cooks up deliciously too.  And I like Cool Whip, and Jack in the Box tacos, and (horror of horrors) Hamburger Helper.  I haven’t had most of those for months, but I eat Egg McMuffins all the damn time.  And especially once I get to my maintenance weight and have more calories to play with each day, I’ll probably add those other chemical cesspools (debatable) back into my diet too. 

And that’s just fine with me.  I’ve received some grief about it, and I respect people who want to convince others to eat better, more real things.  But I can either live at a healthy weight that I can maintain with the occasional carcinogen thrown in (again, debatable), or I can try to be perfect and end up saying “Fuck it, I want a tub of frosting,” and go back to the fatass that I used to be.  Success comes in a lot of packages, and mine might just sometimes come in a cardboard box on the pasta aisle.